In the middle of nowhere really, the new Mercedes-Benz E-Class has shown up - the BMW 5-Series is about halfway through it's model life, the Audi A6 is a few years fresher, but just about all of it's competitors are now a few years of age, at least. So the new E-Class has to stand out, streak ahead, and leave a significant distance behind it's rivals. Which I'm not sure it will do.

I shouldn't really be surprised. The current E-Class is subtle, yet capable rich-person transport, but bland in comparison to just about everything except the Lexus GS. And even then...

But I really did have my hopes up this time, because the new C-Class has discovered a rather youthful image, and now far surpasses the BMW 3-Series in terms of style. This car borrows similar design language - it has a quite aggressive front bumper, angled door handles, a more sloping waistline, and a nicely sculpted rear bumper with integrated trapezoidal twin exhaust pipes. Unlike the C-Class, which has two different grille designs, depending on which spec you choose, the E-Class has two differently designed steering wheels, depending on which spec you choose. Uh... cool, right?

It also features new safety systems, among which is Attention Assist - my favourite because it assesses the way you're steering the car, and if it thinks that you're steering in a drowsy manner, it will beep at you. Wahoo - now we have a car that tells you that you're sleepy. I think it'll probably just end up telling all the bad rich drivers that they can't drive. The new E-Class then, picks out good drivers from bad (oops, I mean "drowsy") ones, and beeps horribly if you suck. But other things are more concerning.

If I look front-on at the car, for a moment, I think I'm looking at a Maybach. Which, despite the Maybach being worth a bazillion times more than an E-Class, is a very, very, very, very, bad thing. Really. The Maybach has been ridiculed all over the world for being the most distasteful form of billionaire limousine transport available. But I digress.

The rear lights look like they were nicked from a Volkswagen Polo Sedan. I mean, couldn't Mercedes have been slightly more inventive? Perhaps they just wanted to play it safe. And that's the conflict in this car: although it attempts to become more youthful, it knows it has to play ball with all the tame, stately rich types who normally by the E-Class. Fearing consumer backlash, Mercedes have made this car more hip, but not very. They played it safe.

And that's why it's all a bit confused and contrived. So does it have what it takes to put the A6 and 5-Series to shame? I don't really know - the 5-Series is ageing horribly, but the A6 might still pip this for looks I reckon. And then there's the Jaguar XF, which I've forgotten about. The competition are getting tougher, but have Mercedes kept up? Let me know what you think.

Oh, and can I just say: what the heck is up with the chick that's posing with the car in these pictures? Is this the new target market perhaps? Skinny alien women with ridiculous hair and their legs permanently crossed?

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