The latest battlefront that the German juggernaut of Audi, BMW and Mercedes-Benz will fight for are cars like this 5-Series Gran Turismo Concept. They're based on sedans, but mostly, they are, but they think they're coupes. They're a bit confused, mostly, but they're essentially jazzy versions of otherwise conservative sedans, aimed at a more youthful market which looks toward a more sporting character. It's all about making a brand name more versatile by offering different cars that on the surface, appear to compete, but are really aimed at very different buyers. This is how the battle will play out:

Mercedes-Benz E-Class --> Mercedes-Benz CLS-Class (since 2005)
Audi A6 --> Audi A7 (due 2010, but in meantime, see Audi Sportback Concept article)
BMW 5-Series --> BMW 5-Series GT (due November 2009, based on BMW CS Concept of 2007)

Yes, from all accounts, it does seem that BMW will be calling this car the BMW 5-Series GT. BMW has revealed that this car is not just a sedan that thinks it's a coupe, but much much more. In fact, as I see it, it's a long hatchback that's almost a sedan, but with a wagon-like stance, and an element of "squashed X6" thrown in. So yes, it does have a huge rear hatchback (double hinged, thank you, sir!), it is not a sedan, and even though it doesn't look that large in these pictures (at least, not compared to the Audi Sportback) it will, in fact be exactly 5 metres long, making it almost as long as the short-wheelbase 7-Series.

With the November launch so imminent for the 5-Series GT, this "concept" is really more of a preview of the real thing. Not much will change, I would imagine - the 21 inch alloy wheels are, of course, pure fantasy, though beautiful, the wing mirrors are likely to be replaced with something less controversial, and perhaps those cool side indicators will be relocated to the mirrors. But that's it, really.

So what do I think? Well, I'm not a big fan of the X6 roofline which has been translated to this car, because it makes the car too tall, and not sleek enough - the rear is an absolute mess, and makes the infamous Bangle-butt 7-Series look graceful. Though having said that, the surfacing of the car (namely, the hard crease spanning the length of the car) is pure genius, I've fallen in love with the door handles (I know that's sad...!) and I really really like the nose of this car. It's tasteful, original and athletic - a new BMW trait that was recently seen on the next-gen Z4. But what is also rather interesting is the rumour going around that this face is exactly the same as the next-gen 5-Series sedan, and that all that differs between the GT and the sedan is the roofline and rear hatchback.

Which, of course I think bodes well for the new 5-Series, but might make the GT the less attractive relative. Which, I think, means that BMW have missed the point with this car.

GENEVA 2009: BMW Says "It's On, Biatch!" With 5-Series Gran Turismo

The financial crisis has claimed another victim - well, sort of. The plan was for Cadillac to be launched in Australia last year, and well, that never happened obviously. But now, GM-Holden CEO Mark Reuss has gone public with the news that Cadillac will not be coming to Australia, and the plans have been well and truly shelved to gather dust. So the financial crisis didn't really claim a victim, exactly, because we never had Cadillac here down under anyway.

Cadillac was all systems go in Australia, even after it was first delayed - Cadillac showed off it's CTS Coupe at the Australian International Motor Show (formally the Sydney Motor Show, until Sydneysiders decided they were more important than that), saying it would join the CTS sports sedan to make up their first two models, both released by the end of 2009. The sedan was, in fact, meant to start selling in March.

So just before the boats set off for down under, Mark Reuss has bailed on us - it's not his fault, you understand. General Motors is, generally (forgive the pun), in a lot of strife at the moment, so the number one priority at the moment is to keep Holden above board. But, having said that, it has been confirmed that GM-owned brands Saab and Hummer will be staying in Australia for the forseeable future. We just won't be getting any more GM brands for a while yet. Mark Reuss had this to say on the demise of the Cadillac Australia project:

“There is only one chance to properly launch this brand in Australia and in these challenging times, we believe we couldn’t give it the best chance of success. There is no doubt the Cadillac CTS is a magnificent vehicle and the response since it was revealed at the Australian International Motor Show in October 2008 has been very positive. “But obviously since then the market for new cars has continued to deteriorate, the challenging broader economic environment remains largely unchanged and the exchange rate has worsened for imports."

Which I've been thinking, probably crazily on my part, is quite a shame. I can't believe I actually wanted Cadillacs to arrive on Aussie shores. Why? The vehicles in the pictures here are really quite nice - for the past 45 years the US has been turning out grotesque vehicles, and yet, suddenly, as if from nowhere, they've found their mojo. The CTS looks cutting-edge, original and athletic, as does its coupe sibling, and Cadillac Australia were even had sketchy plans to import the SRX in 2010. That too, is a brilliant looking X5 and ML-Class rival. For the first time since the fifties, Cadillac have reborn, become modern and individual, and we're going to miss out sampling the fruits of their renaissance. Knowing our luck, by the time Cadillac has settled back into mediocrity, they'll arrive on our doorstep again.

Another reason why I wanted Cadillac to launch in Australia is because I honestly think that the German juggernaut of Merc/BMW/Audi is getting a little too complacent for my liking. When they produce such counterproductive things as iDrive and COMMAND, you know they're starting to lose touch with consumers. Cadillac would be a good influence to shake things up, after all, the Germans have next to no competition - not enough people are brave enough to buy an Alfa Romeo, Saab is almost irrelevant because of its lack of prestige, and Volvo, though slowly gaining some youthfulness, still rests on it's staid safe laurels.

And here's the clincher: because we aren't getting the Cadillac CTS, we also miss out on the brilliant 410kW CTS-V. Now that really is a sad face thought... wait for it... :( there we go.

NEWS: Cadillac Not Coming to Australia, Boo Hoo...

Before I start, I guess I have to go into a laborious and long explanation of who Stirling Moss is, so you get the idea of how important the dedication of this car is. Stirling Moss is the best British racing car driver in history, ever, if that makes sense. And he's a "Sir".

Wow, that really didn't take as long as I expected.

So anyway, Sir Moss, who probably has the most outstandingly cool given name in history - what I wouldn't give to have the name "Stirling"...! - turns 80 this year, and it really is about time he had an outstandingly cool car named after him. So this is what they came up with.

This is, when you get down to the nitty gritty, just an SLR. Which we shouldn't scoff at mind you - with a supercharged V8 engine pumping out 485kW, and a 0-100kmh time of 3.4 seconds, this is hardly tame. It will surge all the way to 349kmh, if you want to take it there. No doubt you like what you see. I like, you like, we all like.

But SLR production stops in May, so only 75 of these beauties will be built, and before you start thinking that you'll have a chance of buying one, allow me to sorely dissappoint you - they've only been offered to current SLR owners, and they've all already been snapped up. For a bargain, of course: $1,536,000 my sources tell me. Yeowch.

But the point of me writing this article was not just to introduce to you another irrelevant supercar, but to illustrate that for me, the Stirling Moss is exactly what the Merc/McLaren SLR should have been in the first place. When they decided to make a new supercar, why didn't they look to the Mercedes and McLaren supercars of old for inspiration? Thing about the 50's Mercedes SL Gullwing, or the McLaren F1, which featured the odd number of three seats, which a central driving position. These cars were wild, extroadinary, and there was nothing else like them, so they became instant classics. The SLR was unremarkable in the world of supercars - yes, it was fast, but they're all fast. The SLR simply wasn't "super". I believe that the SLR Stirling Moss certainly is super. Super Dooper.

The Stirling Moss is brilliant for the crazy things, like the bonnet that accounts for about half the car's total length, and the quad exhaust pipes that protrude from the side of the car, not the rear. It is also brilliant for what it lacks - a roof (though it does have a little tonneau cover you can fit if it rains), side windows, a windscreen... yes it does not have a said windscreen. It does have a small flap, but this is the fastest open air experience you can possibly have in a road-legal car. End of story. Not really, I have more to say, actually.

They've obviously borrowed the styling-cues from the old 350 SLR, itself a classic, but the elegance and perfection in which they are executed in such a modern way is truly breathtaking. And it even features a proper McLaren paintjob - a highly reflective, almost mirror like silver. Yes, this is definitely a car for my dream garage folks, sure is.

NEWS: Mercedes-Benz McLaren SLR Stirling Moss

In the middle of nowhere really, the new Mercedes-Benz E-Class has shown up - the BMW 5-Series is about halfway through it's model life, the Audi A6 is a few years fresher, but just about all of it's competitors are now a few years of age, at least. So the new E-Class has to stand out, streak ahead, and leave a significant distance behind it's rivals. Which I'm not sure it will do.

I shouldn't really be surprised. The current E-Class is subtle, yet capable rich-person transport, but bland in comparison to just about everything except the Lexus GS. And even then...

But I really did have my hopes up this time, because the new C-Class has discovered a rather youthful image, and now far surpasses the BMW 3-Series in terms of style. This car borrows similar design language - it has a quite aggressive front bumper, angled door handles, a more sloping waistline, and a nicely sculpted rear bumper with integrated trapezoidal twin exhaust pipes. Unlike the C-Class, which has two different grille designs, depending on which spec you choose, the E-Class has two differently designed steering wheels, depending on which spec you choose. Uh... cool, right?

It also features new safety systems, among which is Attention Assist - my favourite because it assesses the way you're steering the car, and if it thinks that you're steering in a drowsy manner, it will beep at you. Wahoo - now we have a car that tells you that you're sleepy. I think it'll probably just end up telling all the bad rich drivers that they can't drive. The new E-Class then, picks out good drivers from bad (oops, I mean "drowsy") ones, and beeps horribly if you suck. But other things are more concerning.

If I look front-on at the car, for a moment, I think I'm looking at a Maybach. Which, despite the Maybach being worth a bazillion times more than an E-Class, is a very, very, very, very, bad thing. Really. The Maybach has been ridiculed all over the world for being the most distasteful form of billionaire limousine transport available. But I digress.

The rear lights look like they were nicked from a Volkswagen Polo Sedan. I mean, couldn't Mercedes have been slightly more inventive? Perhaps they just wanted to play it safe. And that's the conflict in this car: although it attempts to become more youthful, it knows it has to play ball with all the tame, stately rich types who normally by the E-Class. Fearing consumer backlash, Mercedes have made this car more hip, but not very. They played it safe.

And that's why it's all a bit confused and contrived. So does it have what it takes to put the A6 and 5-Series to shame? I don't really know - the 5-Series is ageing horribly, but the A6 might still pip this for looks I reckon. And then there's the Jaguar XF, which I've forgotten about. The competition are getting tougher, but have Mercedes kept up? Let me know what you think.

Oh, and can I just say: what the heck is up with the chick that's posing with the car in these pictures? Is this the new target market perhaps? Skinny alien women with ridiculous hair and their legs permanently crossed?

NEWS: 2010 Mercedes-Benz E-Class with Split Priorities

You'd think that supercars don't really get much of a mention in WTF?! - they're usually very cool, and very fast stuff usually doesn't deserved to be bagged. But this does. A lot.

Mansory is a German tuning firm (always those retarded Germans...) that, on the whole, has disturbingly little taste, and the cars they tune nearly always go from nice to nasty. When they got their hands on the Mercedes McLaren SLR however, it went from nice to downright nauseous.

If the warning bells aren't yet ringing now that you're looking at all the pictures, I'll explain the details that will make you chunder like you never have before. First of all, it's called the Mansory Renovatio - that nearly speaks for itself, seeing as they were only one letter away from calling it the Mansory Renovation. But what is meant to be decadent and opulent, is really sickly - finding out about this car made me feel like I had eaten too much white chocolate (which is quite a foreign feeling to me, trust me).

The exterior bodykit, let's face it, wasn't such a bad start - they could have done much, much worse. They left bits here and there in carbon, so it looks a bit more serious and racer-like. However, they overlooked one small thing - they gave an ape the keys to the paint shed, and they went and painted it gold. Yes, gold. This colour... never works. Never. On anything. Let alone one of the worlds most exclusive supercars - they've gone and raped the exterior of this beautiful car with gaudy gold paint, that's what they've done. And this too, should be a criminal offence.

Alright, I understand that this is meant to be a bespoke car - and the sky's the limit really, when it comes to naffness - but did they really have to carry the gold over to the interior? You get: gold inserts on the seats (dimpled, to echo what a rich prick you are), a gold shift lever, gold dashboard inserts, gold stitching in the leather, but then, for some reason, blue dials. Mmmm... yes... But don't forget that you've still got gold coloured alloy wheels and gold coloured engine accents! But do you want to know what Mansory have to say about their distasteful interior?

"Mansory has succeeded in creating the perfect symbiosis of sporting functionality and luxurious environment. [cough, synergy synergy synergy... cough] Only the very best materials have been used in the interior and provide for well-being."

And I am a monkey's bum. It hardly seems to matter that they tuned the SLR's engine up to 571kW - you have a car that provides for your well-being. Which is a bit rich, considering I feel sick every time I look at a picture of the Renovatio - is that well-being?!?!

You had to ask how much, didn't you? Well, the McLaren SLR costs $600,000 - roughly - so you could expect this to be considerably more. And, it'll be... uh... exculsive, anyway - surely no one wants one of these. So the price? Price On Asking. They won't even let me know how much a Renovatio costs. Have you're wallet ready, because a Renovatio costs far more than a renovation. Not that the Domestic Blitz team would get into this - even Shelley Craft isn't this gaudy.

WTF?! #5: The Mansory Monstrosity Redefining "Bad Taste"

Yes, it seems that the Mercedes-Benz CLS was something other car makers want to copy - thus we have these pictures of what the upcoming Audi A7 will look like. The CLS created a new segment - a car that had the shape of a coupe, but had four doors and could seat four people in comfort. But the CLS was either absolutely fantastic, or disproportionate and flawed, depending on your eyesight. The A7 seems to follow the same formula - rear doors that seem to be made for small children, and a roofline that rakes low enough to bump your head rather nicely as you try to enter the car. While the A7 doesn't have the CLS' awkward headlights, and doesn't have a rear end that looks like an AU Falcon, it doesn't have the smooth elegance of a CLS, and it still looks very big, bullish, and brutal. Rather, Audi-ish. News is that it will probably only be offered with Quattro all-wheel-drive, and curiously, the entry-level engine is most likely going to be the 4.2 litre V8. Which is interesting. Very interesting...

NEWS: Audi A7 to challenge the CLS

Oh yeah, fight to the death! These are two new Toorak Tractors ready to show up in a showroom near you. The difference is that these are the smallest compact SUVs these car makers have ever made. And they're poised to be in head-to-head competition.

This market segment is not new. The BMW X3 has been there for a few years already, but it was so ugly I didn't want to poison my site with pictures of it. It will not take part in this battle, because it is simply not stylish enough to compete with these two - looks count for a lot when a the target market is cashed up and super-trendy. The Audi Q5 is also kickin' around, but it is so bulky and lardy that it's hard to call it compact. It's largely irrelevant. Volvo and Mercedes promise stylish, luxurious and safe transport for a family of up to five people. Which one truly delivers? Which comes up trumps? Read on...

In a style contest, there really is no competition. The Mercedes is basically a smaller version of the GL-Class, hence GLK. If you see a "K" on the end of a Mercedes-Benz, then you know it is the smaller or coupe version of another Mercedes-Benz. The GL is just a 5 metre-long luxo-truck, and for the GLK, they chopped off half a metre. It looks oddly boxy and utilitarian, but never exactly tough, because of its lack of size and ultra-glossy paint. I'm also wondering how big Mercedes can possibly make the badge on the front grille - surely they don't get any bigger than this. The three pointed star looks like a fan that will generate a category 5 cyclone.

The Volvo is a smaller version of the XC90, and builds on that design theme by adding more curves and a truly sporty look. It really is a statement of how far Volvo has come in recent years in terms of design. It looks streamlined, detailed, and thoroughly modern in 2008. It's a far cry from some of the awful box-on-wheels-type cars that came out of Sweden in the nineties. It's quite hard for me to say this, but has Volvo created an SUV that is actually pretty? I'm going to be bold, and say yes. Emphatically.

Inside, the contest is far closer. The Mercedes carries over the theme from the successful C-Class, which looks really architectural, but probably a bit too busy for my liking. Too many squared off edges all over the place. It doesn't look unfinished exactly, just a bit hectic. I love the sporty-looking wheel, though, with the coolest audio buttons I've seen for a while - although its curvy design seems at odds with the rest of the interior.

The Volvo is more simple, if not minimalistic like the S40/V50. I still do not understand the "floating" centre console idea Volvo loves putting in its new cars. All it creates is a hole of empty space behind the centre console, which is unusable as a storage compartment. It has no function whatsoever other than to impress your friends - I don't know about you, but it wouldn't impress my friends. If I got enthusiastic about a "floating" centre console, my friends would think I had finally (finally...) lost my marbles. That being said, the XC60's interior is a nice place to be, is user friendly, and more spacious than the Mercedes (due to larger overall dimensions). I quite like the two-tone leather upholstery - it's a bit "cookies and cream", and a nice different, but possibly a bit gauche for some people. Bully for them. I like it. The instrumentation also balances form and function, and I am appreciative of the metallic strip around the circumference of the dial.

Driving? Well, do you think people who are buying these cars will care? They will care about how safe it is, if their darling children will be comfortable sitting on the rear seat, and in these respects, both cars are without peer. They are both very comfortable, and safe as houses. Safer, I'd say. And I don't know why just about every automotive journalist thinks they need to test how these cars perform off-road - they must be behind the times, and think that people want to go bush-bashing the outback in a Range Rover Sport. Both these cars are going to suck off-road, because they are not designed for it. If you want a XC60 or GLK because you want some butch outback action, you are base and ignorant. Simple as that.

Power probably isn't a huge priority for a new luxo-4WD buyer, but both the XC60 and GLK have plenty to offer. And I think everyone gets a little perverse pleasure out of seeing a big heavy SUV being able to rocket off into the horizon. The XC60 T6 has a turbocharged straight-six engine with 213kW on tap, which wins the power stakes here. The GLK350 has just a plain 3.5 litre V6 (200kW), which we've seen in Mercedes models before. It won't disappoint you either. Both cars have fuel-sipping diesel options, if you want to feel less environmentally guilty.

The verdict? There is ultimately little to separate these two cars, but the Volvo wins in my opinion. It seems like a far less offensive, more stylish, refined and livable way of carting little minions (kids) to and from Auskick each Saturday. The Mercedes is trying to be too sporty and masculine, and instead seems grotesque and over-done. I guess I'll never be butch enough, or enough of a pimp (like the "homies" in the top left picture) to look good driving the GLK, and I'm guessing neither will you. And I'll never stop having nightmares where I get sucked head first into the Mercedes' colossal propeller-like badge. If you must shout to the world that you own a Mercedes (no matter how fugly it is) then the GLK is for you. Otherwise, be a bloody Volvo driver. They're bloody good-looking these days.

BATTLE: Mercedes-Benz GLK-Class vs. Volvo XC60

Maybach? Maybach?!?! Why have a Maybach, Mr. Burns, when you can have a limousine that is so terrorist-proof it can withstand anything up to a nuclear explosion!

Yes, okay, I'm exaggerating with the nuclear explosions, but this stretched S-Class has, primarily for heads of state and monarchy, what Mercedes call "Special Protection". Gotta love the Germans and their threatening-sounding euphemisms. The armour on this limousine can withstand the most powerful military rifles, and provides its passengers with complete protection from the hand grenades and other lethal sounding explosives that Mr. Osama would revere.

PARIS MOTOR SHOW 2008: Mercedes-Benz S600 Guard Pullman