One of the biggest crowd pullers at this year's Melbourne Motor Show is this outrageous design study from BMW, a design study called "M1" - it's basically a retro homage to the real BMW M1 sports car of thirty years ago. This "design study" was not in fact designed by BMW's design team, rather, it was designed by legendary Italian designer Giorgetto Giugiaro - so I guess the term "design study" has been used loosely. BMW's design team are probably just studying the work of a master like Giugiaro.

This M1 will never become a reality, like the last one, so BMW are instead happy to parade this car around to motor shows, showing off the apparent "talent" at the German firm. In this case, Mr. Giugiaro was the talent, but I really shouldn't care - it looks fantastic. Enjoy.

MELBOURNE 2009: BMW Tips its Hat to the M1

So here we are again, making some captions for some delightfully hilarious automotive pictures. Yet again, marketing is responsible for the gem below, but this time, it was never meant to be an outlandish concept. This is in fact the BMW 5-Series of 1972, a rather mainstream model.

So we all know of the tried and tested trick of getting a hot girl to pose with the car in order to demonstrate that the car, like the girl, is sexy. The hitch is, Germans have a rather distorted view of what is, in fact, sexy.
Here's what I've got so far:

"We haff a beautiful Tcherman girl on sale for you right now. Zis car in ze picture is there to maker her look good."

"You too will want to wear a dress that looks like a tablecloth when you buy a 5-Series!"

"The car doesn't belong to her. The guy who owns the car promptly jumped in the lake when he saw his blind date."

"With my new shades, I can see everything, even the downfalls of my car, through rose-coloured specs!"

"Hallo, mein name is Bertha, ich komme from Hamburg, and I eat lots of Hamburgers. Not in my car of course."

"Buy this car and I will serenade you, give you sex and give you these flowers I'm holding. Why isn't anyone buying this car...!"

CAPTIONS #2: BMW 5-Series 1972

Which car is the real king of the 911 range? Is it the 911 Turbo? Is it the 911 GT2? Or is it this new GT3? I'll get back to this thought later. After all, I am meant to be introducing this brand spanking new GT3 to you...

I'm going to get the figures out of the way, how 'bout that? Traditionally (...) the GT3 is a naturally aspirated engine, and instead of taking the bog-standard (...) 3.6 flat six from the Carrera, it instead gets a tuned version of the new 3.8 litre flat six in the Carrera S, which now gets 320kW, but is still less powerful than the twin-turbocharged engines in the Turbo and GT2. Which is also a tradition, apparently.

So I could tell you that it goes from 0-100kmh in 4.1 seconds, and will blast you all the way to 310kmh, but according to Porsche, that's not really the point of the GT3. The point of the GT3 is to achieve the most perfect blend of chassis cornering ability and outright power - which I thought was the point of every 911, or at least the GT2, but I must have misunderstood something somewhere. It's all a bit confusing.

But what is clear is that the new GT3 will be a force to be reckoned with on the track - just to the prove this point to every customer, Porsche offers a complimentary racing course at Silverstone in Great Britain with every purchase of a GT3. And Porsche certainly have enough acronyms to back up their claims (because every sports car needs a bunch of acronyms to sound technologically advanced, it seems) - PSM, UHP, PCCB, VTS, PADM, just naming a few, and PASM, which is one little letter away from spasm. Imagine rattling off all them to your mate who thinks his Commodore Calais V is technologically advanced because it has ESC.

But what does all that mean? Not a whole lot really, they're just special Porsche names for regular things like brakes, steering, suspension, tyres and the like. They're all highly advanced versions of these common-place items, mind. Porsche will make sure that they're all as close to perfection as they can do, believe you me. Don't ever tell a Porsche engineer that the chassis on a 911 GT3 is average - they will summon an army of glasses-wearing scientists in white lab coats who will remove your internal organs and replace them with mechanical ones they've made themselves that are approximately 236.43% better.

And did I mention that the 911 GT3 has the most ridiculous and precarious rear spoiler I have ever seen?!

So where does the GT3 fit in? Is it the ultimate 911? It's not the fastest, because the GT2 takes that cake. But both the GT2 and GT3 are almost track-day specials in comparison to a 911 Turbo, which probably renders them irrelevant. So is the Turbo the real king, because it is just about as fast as it's race-car brothers? Or is it the GT2, with it's outright power? Or this new GT3, with better balance than a Russian gymnast, the real king?

I'm getting really annoyed. I want the number one 911, right here, right now. None of this "whatever suits your driving style" crap. I want the best Porsche can do. Period. Otherwise, any description of a new range-topping Porsche 911 will involve a lot of these - (...)

NEWS: Porsche 911 GT3 Wonders If It Should Be King

You'd think that supercars don't really get much of a mention in WTF?! - they're usually very cool, and very fast stuff usually doesn't deserved to be bagged. But this does. A lot.

Mansory is a German tuning firm (always those retarded Germans...) that, on the whole, has disturbingly little taste, and the cars they tune nearly always go from nice to nasty. When they got their hands on the Mercedes McLaren SLR however, it went from nice to downright nauseous.

If the warning bells aren't yet ringing now that you're looking at all the pictures, I'll explain the details that will make you chunder like you never have before. First of all, it's called the Mansory Renovatio - that nearly speaks for itself, seeing as they were only one letter away from calling it the Mansory Renovation. But what is meant to be decadent and opulent, is really sickly - finding out about this car made me feel like I had eaten too much white chocolate (which is quite a foreign feeling to me, trust me).

The exterior bodykit, let's face it, wasn't such a bad start - they could have done much, much worse. They left bits here and there in carbon, so it looks a bit more serious and racer-like. However, they overlooked one small thing - they gave an ape the keys to the paint shed, and they went and painted it gold. Yes, gold. This colour... never works. Never. On anything. Let alone one of the worlds most exclusive supercars - they've gone and raped the exterior of this beautiful car with gaudy gold paint, that's what they've done. And this too, should be a criminal offence.

Alright, I understand that this is meant to be a bespoke car - and the sky's the limit really, when it comes to naffness - but did they really have to carry the gold over to the interior? You get: gold inserts on the seats (dimpled, to echo what a rich prick you are), a gold shift lever, gold dashboard inserts, gold stitching in the leather, but then, for some reason, blue dials. Mmmm... yes... But don't forget that you've still got gold coloured alloy wheels and gold coloured engine accents! But do you want to know what Mansory have to say about their distasteful interior?

"Mansory has succeeded in creating the perfect symbiosis of sporting functionality and luxurious environment. [cough, synergy synergy synergy... cough] Only the very best materials have been used in the interior and provide for well-being."

And I am a monkey's bum. It hardly seems to matter that they tuned the SLR's engine up to 571kW - you have a car that provides for your well-being. Which is a bit rich, considering I feel sick every time I look at a picture of the Renovatio - is that well-being?!?!

You had to ask how much, didn't you? Well, the McLaren SLR costs $600,000 - roughly - so you could expect this to be considerably more. And, it'll be... uh... exculsive, anyway - surely no one wants one of these. So the price? Price On Asking. They won't even let me know how much a Renovatio costs. Have you're wallet ready, because a Renovatio costs far more than a renovation. Not that the Domestic Blitz team would get into this - even Shelley Craft isn't this gaudy.

WTF?! #5: The Mansory Monstrosity Redefining "Bad Taste"

Yes, it's been a long time since I've last posted - I took a break while I got my wisdom teeth yanked out, and living on tomato soup isn't exactly the ideal diet for the development of creative and witty automotive prose. Nevertheless, I will post the cars that will keep you at the height of your game should you indulge in buying a car in the sales rush before the year is out. Here are the dos and don'ts - kind of like my annual awards story. It's the Really Cool and Really Not Cool awards. Italian car-makers are well represented, as is Citroen, and Mazda walks away with the crucially important Real-World Family Car award. BMW has fared poorly, with no less than five "Really Not Cool" nominations, and other German makers (with the exception of Audi) are dusted around the other "Really Not Cool" awards and nominations. Oddly enough, this seems to be a reflection of the human populations in these two countries - in Italy, the ladies are like beautiful supermodels, whereas in Germany, you cannot tell the women apart from the men. Could the fact that German women are cosmetically challenged be the cause of a lack of inspiration amongst German designers?

"REALLY COOL SPORTS COUPE" Award 2008

Probably the only car that truly gobsmacked me not only when I first saw it, but the hundreds of times I've booted up my computer just to look at pictures of it. These few sentences are taking an age to write, just because it incapacitates my faculties and leaves my mouth gaping open. And yes, it must be in this "Infa Red" colour - the bodykit of the DBS was never my cup of tea, until I saw the car in this loud colour. I don't think I like the bazillion-dollar One-77 as much as I like this curvaceous beauty - I'm a straight guy, so I like curves. What else can I say?

Also Nominated:


Maserati GranTurismo S



"REALLY NOT COOL SPORTS COUPE" Award 2008
First of all, it's a Porsche. Second, how can anyone really believe that this isn't just a try-hard cut-price 911? It looks exactly like a 911, which is hardly at the cutting edge of design, but isn't as good. If you're going to be a wanker, you should at least have a car that is fast enough to smoke your aggressor's HSV GTS at the traffic lights. Can the Cayman even do that? Nope, the Holden will outpower the Porsche. Sad.

Also Nominated:


BMW Z4 Coupe




"REALLY COOL EXECUTIVE SEDAN" Award 2008
It sure isn't perfect, and I've always thought that the nose is ill-proportioned, but every time I see a 159 on the road, I'm convinced it deserves this award. What other executive sedan has the sheer road presence that this car has? Certainly nothing German does, although the Audi A4 comes close. This is a car that flatters the owner, because it insinuates that the driver has good fashion sense, is an automotive enthusiast, and probably has a spicy sex-life. But it's a sedan! Surely it doesn't get any better than that.

Also Nominated:


Audi A4




Citroen C5




"REALLY NOT COOL EXECUTIVE SEDAN" Award 2008
Is this car at all classy? Nope. It is as classy as tucking your business shirt into your (visible and above trouser-line) underpants. It screams "I wanna be an old-school socialite", if anything, and while the 159 is modern and probably timeless, this bubbly oddity loses it's sheen very quickly. Really, it doesn't deserve to have a leaping cat on the bonnet, but there you go - it sure does, unfortunately.


Also Nominated:


BMW 3-Series




Renault Laguna




"REALLY COOL LUXURY LIMOUSINE SEDAN" Award 2008Really, is this any surprise? The new Phantom is the last word in rich stylish transport. It's big, and square, and a face like a Mack truck, but it sure is cool. It infers that you are of as noble blood as all of the royal families in Europe, or you own all the royal families in Europe. It is truly brilliant in every single way, and I don't see why anyone with the need for a million-dollar luxury car buys anything else.


Also Nominated:


Maserati Quattroporte




Bentley Continental GT Flying Spur Speed (who needs a car with a 6 word name, though?)


"REALLY NOT COOL LUXURY LIMOUSINE SEDAN" Award 2008
Really, this involves all the Maybachs, because they all look cheap and anonymous and tacky, with paintjobs that are worse that your Ford Falcon. But this is just gross stupidity and snobbishness. Why on earth should you, a bazillionaire, get to ride in an open-topped limousine, while you're driver is in what is basically a black tinted box up the front? Are they not cool enough to soak up the sun's rays?


Also Nominated:


BMW 7-Series




It's just nice. That's how I would sum up the XC60. It is executed without flaw, yet it doesn't look bland or boring either. To be honest, it's one of the most classy luxury SUV out there - many other are vary garish and some are just rude. I wouldn't say this SUV is offensive in any way - on the contrary, it's rather likeable. It only seats five, but hey, for those who appreciate the high driving position and practicality of an SUV, this one is just perfect.

Also Nominated:


Mazda CX-9




"REALLY NOT COOL SUV" Award 2008
There will be somewhere in the world where the Hummer H3 is cool. Somewhere in America. For the rest of the world, it is gross stupidity and ignorance of a growing environmental problem, and a statement of American excess. And that is not cool at all. I really was thinking about putting the Porsche Cayenne up here, because it is hideously ugly also, but it does serve another purpose - it is (somewhat) a performance car. The H3 is a statement of idiocy.

Also Nominated: (here we go...!)


Porsche Cayenne (Close 2nd)




BMW X6




BMW X3




Mercedes-Benz GLK-Class




Ssangyong Actyon




Ssangyong Kyron




Subaru Tribeca




"REALLY COOL FASHION ACCESSORY" Award 2008I've raved about this little car here before, and I won't go into too much of that now, but the 500 manages to balance retro good looks, with a kind of European class that is missing from other fashion accessory cars. And then it's cute, too. Great! And you can make this car to be exactly as you'd like, so it will suit your fashion personality - not my thing, but I can tell that some others will be grateful for this. Bizarrely. I still really like this car. If I was an old pensioner, with little long-distance driving to do (mostly city stuff), I have no doubt in my mind that I would buy this car. Because it would put a smile on my wrinkled and aged face.

Also Nominated:


Mini Cooper




"REALLY UNCOOL FASHION ACCESSORY" Award 2008
I'm sorry, but I don't get this car. You would have to be living in a bubble to think that other people thought you looked funky or cool driving it. But then again, being inside a Beetle is living inside a bubble. The main irk I have with this car is that it doesn't have any substance to back up those superficial looks. I don't have any reason to love it - some women who must be taking hallucinogenic drugs will disagree, but that doesn't stop them looking uncool to the rest of the world living outside her pink bubble.

Also Nominated:


Smart ForTwo




"REALLY COOL REAL-WORLD FAMILY CAR" Award 2008
I think this car seems to have a positive outlook on life - I mean, look at it, you can't help but feel optimistic when it looks at you like that. But the design is so smooth, yet so characterful, that it puts all but the highest of Italian supermodels (the 159 of course) to shame. And it is available in what is probably the most intoxicatingly loveable light blue (which sadly isn't pictured) I have ever seen on a car. I sound decidedly female saying that, but there you go. It also happens to be the perfect family car - not too big, but roomy enough for a family of five. I don't understand why people buy Falcons and Commodores actually - why don't they buy one of these?

Also Nominated:


Citroen C4




Fiat Ritmo



"REALLY NOT COOL REAL-WORLD FAMILY CAR" Award 2008
Oh god, why would anyone feel the need to buy this? It looks awful! And it's American, very American. Shoddy quality, plastics that feel like a child's lunchbox, and an inability to function properly as a car. Not to mention that it actually looks worse in real life than it does in the pictures. I don't want to talk more about the Sebring - it makes me feel ill thinking about it.


Also Nominated:


Kia Magentis




Toyota Camry

FEATURE STORY: The Really Cool (and not) Cars of 2008