I don't know why Renault tries to market the Koleos as a rugged, earthy 4x4. In advertisements, we see the Koleos driving through rivers, splashing mud on an unsuspecting Alfa Romeo owner... but it's all a bit of a gimmick. Heaven knows a Koleos will never see the rough side of a dirt track. But that doesn't stop marketing spin.

Which is a shame, because the Koleos itself, once freed from the hype and spin, is a very honest car. By that, I mean, it is quite unpretentious and a quiet achiever. First off, unlike some of the latest 4x4 efforts from some Japanese manufacturers (X-Trail, CR-V, I'm talking about you), the Koleos actually looks quite pleasant. Sure, the front end will never be pretty like a Volkswagen Tiguan or a Volvo XC60, but the overall shape of the Koleos is sufficiently elegant. It doesn't try to look tough - it's just focussed on being a pleasant car. In that respect, it succeeds, and not just in terms of exterior styling.

The interior of the Koleos is most definitely a highlight. The plastics feel soft and supple, yet durable, the design is chic and functional (reminds me a bit of a Volvo, without the gimmicky "floating centre console) and the use of colour here (particularly in the Privelige model) is as good as I have seen on any car, in any price range. It's just a nice place to be. The seats are brilliantly comfy, and there are great little ledges, storage pockets, and other neat touches that make you smile from ear to ear. It really is, very well thought out - you only need to glance at the brochure to sense this. Even the dual hinged tailgate (a "clam-shell" type) can act as a loadbearing seat for about two people (rated at up to 200kg). Neat touch, you have to say - and it's not a gimmick. I've tried it, and it really does feel sturdy.

4x4s are never very sporty to drive, but Koleos doesn't try to be. It remains comfortable and quiet at all times, and keeps the handling nice and predictable. It doesn't try to be anything it's not. But of course, no car is perfect. The petrol engine is weak and high-revving, which is detrimental to fuel economy, so the diesel is the one to choose here. And even then, if you choose the automatic, power and torque take a big hit. Definitely investigate engine and transmission combinations if you're thinking of buying this car. Add to that the less-than-perfect reliability record of Renault - they say they've investing bazillions of dollars in achieving high quality and reliability standards, but do you trust that? They're marketing department is only capable of gimmicks, after all. But the interior does appear well made, so time will tell if it holds up well. But the Koleos isn't a gimmick. It deserves to sell well, and give Renault some badly needed success in Australia.

YOUR CAR IN BRIEF: Renault Koleos

It's time to introduce a new IN YOUR FACE segment, and it's called captions. Simply because it's about giving apt captions to rather silly pictures. But of course, this is a car rag, so they're car pictures.

Often, when car makers release their press images for a car or concept car, they include a picture with people and their car - usually this is a way of creating a favourable image, or singling out a desired target market. However, this can sometimes go horribly wrong - take this press picture of the Renault Laguna Concept of 1997.So, any captions? I'll start you off:

"Phew! This car looks so much better in virtual reality! Even the wheels don't look like trash can lids!"

"In virtual reality, there isn't a cliff here like in real life - so I'll just take a step here and.... AAAARRRGH!!!"

"In the future, we will all drive in a diagonal fashion down otherwise straight roads."

"With the force, Luke, you too will be able to drive a car as ugly as this."

"This car is so embarassing I'd rather jump off a cliff than stay there with you!"

"White psychiatric ward uniforms not provided."

CAPTIONS #1: The Renault Laguna Concept

Have you ever paused for a moment to think "What would it be like to have [insert rich celebrity or politician here]'s life, and be able to drive their cars?"

No, you probably haven't. But I have, and the last time I did that, I decided that a new blog segment will be born. It's called "Jealousy", simply because I am jealous of the people I feature in this segment - the first up is the Queen of England. Yes, she's old and probably should just die and leave us all alone, but I really do wish I was in her will just so I could pick up one of her luxurious cars. Just one, Mrs. Queen, please - that's all I ask. In return, you can get me to paint a picture of you that makes you look like Jessica Alba, rather than the tired old granny Rolf Harris painted you as.

When you think about the British Royals, the first thing that comes to mind is Rolls-Royces. And aren't they just divine. The oldest Rolls is actually one that the Queen herself bought, before she was handed the throne, and it became a State car after her coronation - it was a Phantom IV. Anyone who knows about Rolls-Royces will nod in solemn agreement when I say that it was one super rare car. Only 18 were built, so there you go - it still breathes in the royal garages. There are, of course, other Rollers - a Phantom V, and two Phantom VIs, of which a Silver Jubilee model (pictured) which was presented to her majesty by the British Motor Industry on that occasion. It's hard to tell who when and why bought what, because, as snobby British people do, they don't tell you.

A quirk of the Royal cars is that the Queen does not use the Spirit of Ecstasy (the pretty girl with wings and boobs that bends over on the bonnet of every Rolls-Royce) for her principal car. On the Phantom IV she first bought in 1950, she stuck a little metal sculpture of "St. George slaying the dragon" on the bonnet instead. Yeah... whatever. I liked the other chick better. Maybe Lizzy saw her as competition and said to her guard: "off with her head!" - how do we know? Georgie stabbing the giant lizard can be transferred to any car the Queen likes, so that the principal car of the time wears the odd sculpture.

Although it wasn't always the Rolls-Royce that was the headline act. The first ever royal car, bought long before little Lizzy was ever even conceived was... wait for it... a Renault. A 1906 Renault XB (14-20 HP) was, according to Edward VII, "royally smashing" - so he bought one, and then grumbled a lot when it broke down so regularly. It was a Renault, what did he expect? Not much has really changed, has it...

Other than that, there have been more spectacular ventures, like the 1934 McLaughlin-Buick that Edward VIII fell in love with. It has since been named "most romantic car in the world", and Edward's example sold in New York 2007 for $185,000 at auction. Which is, of course, a steal.

But more commonly, the British Royal Family bought Daimlers. They have three Daimler DS420 limousines, one of which was owned by the Queen Mother (who also has a statuette mascot, the "Britannia"), and they're, well, they look pretty similar to everything else really - really... regal. Except perhaps a touch girlier. They were used as their "everyday" drives. If you can get used to a car that is six metres long for your everyday drive. Plenty of room for the corgis then.

But for her Majesty's Golden Jubilee, the British Motor Industry outdid themselves. Bentley designed a limousine, just for the Queen of England. It's called the Bentley State Limousine, and it's heavily modified from a Bentley Arnage R platform - only two were built, just for the royals. This makes the State Limousine rarer than Lizzy's Phantom IV. This car has been given not just the security once over, but the security umpteen times over - it features armor-plated cladding, a mine-resistant floor, bazooka-proof glass (...!), and a cabin that can be sealed against a gas attack (no Zyklon B neo-nazi terrorist are going to kill this Queen). All this does make a car very heavy, and at 4 tonnes, the Queen isn't going anywhere in a hurry. I also have a rare picture of the interior for your enjoyment, complete with the driving gloves and hat of the driver.

Still, I can't help hating the Queen for all her luxury, her breeding, and the way she seems to get everything for free (what a scab). I know what it's called, this feeling burning up inside me. It's called JEALOUSY.

... and I also wish that Jessica Alba was the Queen of England. Even though she's not English.

JEALOUSY #1: God Save Our Gracious... Cars

This is a very gender-orientated story, people. Small cars, for a long time now, have been targeted at females. And it's quite smart, on the part of a car maker. Think about it. What do young women use as their first car? Usually, it's a girly little Hyundai, or some other little bubblebox. What do young men use as their first car? Most of the time, it's a run-down Nissan 200SX or Skyline (with a customary barrel-sized exhaust system scraping the bitumen) - otherwise it's a Commodore or Falcon of at least ten years vintage. The ten year vintage thing is to make sure the car is "fully sick"... mate. Yeah sure, these are generalisations, but simple fact is - women buy small cars, men don't.

Some men won't be seen for dead in their wife's chirpy little Toyota Echo, because everyone who sees him, immediately, whether consciously or unconsciously, questions his man-hood. But IN YOUR FACE is here to help. In an age where fuel is more precious than children, small affordable cars have hit a sales boom. So when people who are used to buying Commodores or Falcons for their next car are suddenly faced with the oodles of choice presented in the small car market, it can all get a bit confusing. This story sorts out the chick-cars from the ones that you won't need a vasectomy to own. Here are the contenders in alphabetical order:

CITROEN C3
Citroen makes a big deal about the fact that it was voted "Most Beautiful Small Car in the World" - but it was an irrelevant poll from Italy in 2003. Far more beautiful cars have arrived since - this one is just a bubble. For your information, C3 is ambitiously markete as "all beauty, part beast" - cue some raised eyebrows. In grey, it stands a better chance than it does than in, well, baby-blue for example, but this is undeniably a girly-girl car.

Women? -- "Ooh! How cute!"
Men? -- "Uh... not for me."

FIAT PUNTO
Somehow manages to look fairly neutral. Yes, the headlights can look a little bit feminine, especially with such a circular shape, but the overall shape of the car is that of one that appeals to both men and women. The waistline is well defined, sharply cut, and the window-height vertical rear lights, unlike some competitors, look really quite sporty. It doesn't even seem to come in an obviously girly colour, so boys, you can't really lose. It's a nice car. Especially the Abarth.

Women? -- "Hello, my Italian stallion!"
Men? -- "Yeah, alright, why not?"

FORD FIESTA
Ford says the Fiesta says "Go on, be bold!" ...It's the only car in its class that not only talks, but gives you encouraging comments. Some cars were just meant to be driven by women. The Fiesta is definitely a good-looking car, but the bubbly design yet again makes it embarassing for men to drive. The interior centre console was based on a mobile phone, for goodness sake. The maroon colour of this example is the nail in the coffin. The old XR4 would have been fine, but this... sorry.

Women? -- "Funky and chic!"
Men? -- "Thanks, but no thanks."

HOLDEN BARINA
The Holden Barina used to be a fine little chick's car. Until Holden started sourcing them from Korea, and sold a rebadged Daewoo Kalos. Euuugh. It really is a cheap little piece of shite. Regardless of whether you're a guy or gal, you must have lost the will to live if you have decided to buy a Holden Barina. Not recommended for anyone - just look for some ANCAP crash test pictures if you don't believe me.

Women? -- "Well, it's cheap..."
Men? -- "Aargh! Get it away from me!!!"

HONDA JAZZ
Another one for the lipstick brigade. To blame here are the tall, thin proportions - a sporty, male car is always somewhat squat, like it has attitude. This has a face like a rabbit, and although rabbits are fluffy and cute, it doesn't mean that a bloke wants their car to look like one. Even the VTi-S doesn't have any cred - the bodykit makes it look like a joke on wheels, not a track weapon.

Women? -- "Fashionable and cool."
Men? -- "As long as I'm not driving it."

HYUNDAI GETZ
I can't think of any Hyundai that doesn't make you look like you've had a "snip-snip" operation. They're fine, I guess, but only for girls. The Getz is no exception. With that smiley face, it will only win female friends. Even the name tells you it's a chick's car. I suppose it would be rather good value, but it doesn't look remotely sporty in any way, and therefore, doesn't give any reason for us manly men to like it.

Women? -- "Nice little runaround."
Men? -- "[Yawn..!]"

KIA RIO
Rio de Janiero might be a cool place to holiday, but the car ain't such an amazing place to be. Kia says that it's Rio "redefines the term 'entry-level'". Well, it seems that 'entry-level' has a new definition - bland, boring, but cheap. It looks a lot cheaper than just about any other car here, excluding the Barina. Kia is seemingly incapable of creating interesting cars, and that trait is definitely on display here.

Women? -- "Hmmm."
Men? -- "Wake me up when the footy game starts..."

MAZDA2
This is, also, a stunning looking car. But it is a female car, and that really is a shame because it's so well proprotioned. Even in top-spec Genki (sounds like an foot fungus or something, doesn't it?) form (pictured), with a bodykit that actually looks good (note to Honda), the Mazda2 still fails to look anything but friendly and smiley - and that is its downfall. It's probably overall one of the best cars here, but that's not what were investigating.

Men? -- "Perhaps not for me."
Women? -- "Wow. I love it!"

MITSUBISHI COLT
Another boring little white-good, from a manufacturer that doesn't seem to have any spirited products at the moment - how hard can it possibly be to make an interesting car? This car has simply copied its competitors, like the Honda Jazz and Mazda2, and doesn't add anything new to the segment. The design of it makes the wheels look even tinier than they actually are, which doesn't do it any favours.

Women? -- "It's okay, I guess..."
Men? -- "Yeah, move on..."

NISSAN MICRA
Yes, it comes in pink. And yes, you will look ridiculous driving it, regardless of whether you are male or female. I'm a believer that the driver is as intelligent as their car, and in this case, you would have to be pretty dopey - this is one dopey looking car. Under "Key Features", what do you think Nissan have listed as the first two dot points? "Bold and distinctive styling" and "Range of funky colours" - which says it all.

Women? -- "Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod!!! It's PINK!!!"
Men? -- "Get that... thing away from me!"

PEUGEOT 207
Another wannabe cool city car, until... you realise that you bought the GTi (pictured). It makes a chick's car sporty enough for a guy to get away with it. Don't stress about the looks, they work much better in real life than they do in pictures (like all Peugeots), particularly in a really bright colour, like green. If you are as extroverted as this car, I think you can handle green paint.

Women? -- "Can we get one, can we get one? Puurrleeeze?"

Men? -- "Just as long as it is the GTi, honey."

PROTON GEN-2
Well, at least Proton tried. Hey, you gotta appreciate the fact the Proton, at the very least, made a decent looking car. That's enough reason for celebration, when it comes to a maker like Proton. Yet the interior is crapola (who needs a glovebox? You sure aren't getting one!), and it's not exactly packed with standard features like a Hyundai - so it doesn't exactly represent value for money. Why bother? P.S - when was Gen-1?

Women? -- "I've never heard of Proton..."
Men? -- "Really? You must be one of the lucky ones..."

RENAULT CLIO
A tame, nice looking little hatchback that transforms with the addition of one, very manly word at the end of its name. Sport. Yes, the regular Clio might be women-only, but in Sport guise (pictured), the Clio has just enough aggro to make it desirable. It's a ripper of a thing, and deserves respect. It'll really be a match for your cocky mate's V8 Monaro, anyway. Honest.

Women? -- "This Clio looks nice."
Men? -- "Ah yes, but we're, uh... sporty people, so we should buy the one that says 'Sport'. It'll suit me better. I mean us. I said us, didn't I?"

SUZUKI SWIFT
Girls just absolutely love this car - have you ever seen a guy driving one of these? Again, we're in better luck if the car is named 'Sport' (pictured). It's not fast, by any means (92kW...!) - at least not like the Clio - but then again, it is an inexpensive way (23,990) of getting a man to drive a small car. And it has four doors, unlike the frenchies. It has a sort of boyish go-kart look about it, which works just fine for the blokes.

Women? -- "The Swift seems like a good choice, what do you think, darling?"
Men? -- "Remember the 'Sport'... always remember the 'Sport'..."

TOYOTA YARIS
Toyota has a habit of making cars that are okay at just about everything, but great at nothing, and as boring as stale bread. The Yaris has been described as the only current car able to break the blandness - the "anti-Toyota" Toyota. Yet, there's a difference between 'not bland', and 'good looking'. The Toyota still looks like a stunned mouse caught in cartoon. Buying a Toyota is like signing a death sentence - you're stuck with the boring thing for ages because it doesn't break down. Ever.

Women? -- "Toyota Yaris is an interesting little thing, isn't it?"
Men? -- "I'd rather watch grass grow."

VOLKSWAGEN POLO
Try not to say the name "Poelow" please - save us your upper class accents. This isn't really an upper class car. It's a characterless little thing, but will do the job. You might get away with it if it's a GTI (pictured), but frankly, it doesn't really look that sporty either. The only thing that might make it look a bit sporty is that it has a black nose which resembles a koala. Koalas are very sporty creatures aren't they? Cute little fluffy things...

Women? -- "The Polo will be a good buy, I think."
Men? -- "Do we have to? Oh well, you're the boss... GTI, GTI, GTI..."

So what are the findings? It seems that women have oodles of quite good choice, provided they go for something from either Europe or Japan. Blokes? Well, you can't go too wrong as long as the car's got a 'Sport' or 'GTI' badge. Then again, these often only have two doors, and there's a practicality issue in that. The solution? A Suzuki Swift Sport, or a Fiat Punto. The Fiat, although a bread-and-butter-type car in Italy, will be rather exotic here in down-under, but the Suzuki has some boyish charm, and represents better value for money. Either way, just by thinking about what suits both sexes, we've narrowed down a market segment of about 80 different model variants into just a couple of cars. And aside from all this superficial madness, they're both fantastic cars underneath.

Environmentalism doesn't have to start with crazy petrol/electric hybrid cars - Australia just needs to lose its "big sedan" culture, because it's ruining the environment, and burning a big hole in our wallets. Until Ford and Holden realise they need to think about how much fuel their cars use, both men and women need to get into small cars - but sadly, at the moment, half the population is being left out by default. Actually, the responsibility to promote more eco-friendly small cars is on both automotive companies and consumers.

It's time to save the world, and buy small cars men can own.

FEATURE STORY: Which Small Cars can a Man Drive with Dignity?

It's sad - a tragedy. The Renault Megane will lose the junk in its trunk. This 2009 model Megane is part of Renault's (bland) new line-up, and even though there has been an overload of small car stories lately, this one is quite important, because it signifies a manufacturer turning up its nose at adventurous design.

The Megane II was a revelation when it first came out - a talking point at dinner parties, even. I mean, who could resist a car with a big sexy butt like that? Ironically, this "bootylicious" car couldn't really fit much in its boot (its boot volume was almost a half that of some of its competitors), but that's not the point. The Megane was a roaring success in Europe (nowhere else, unfortunately), and it gave other French manufacturers the confidence to release far more individually styled cars than they ever did in the 90s. Citroen had the C4 and C6, Peugeot had its gaping-mouthed 407, and more recently, the 207 and 308.

But the new face of Renault is going to destroy all the hard work the cars like the Megane II did to make Renaults look innovative and advanced. It looks boring. As boring as the Golf. And if you don't agree with that, then it must look disturbing to you, then. It does look quite disturbing at the front - it has the smile of an axe-murderer with no teeth.

Thank heavens there will be a Renault Megane Sport, sometime in the near future. And I have a concept from earlier this year that is meant to hint at what the Megane Sport could look like. I don't honestly expect it to have bizarre double-gullwing doors and virtual side mirrors, but if it at least keeps that fantastic rear end design, then maybe I won't lament the liposuction Renault performed on the regular Megane. It's just a shame, that's all.

NEWS: 2009 Megane - "bootylicious" no more

Some dipstick product guru at Renault thought, in 1999, that people would buy this.

They had high, high hopes for the Avantime (yes, it's not just you, it sounds homosexual to me too), hoping it would be the beginning of a new market niche: the luxury and comfort of a coupe with the style and flexibility of an Espace-type MPV. Except it took two years to get it properly into production, because it took ages for it to become safe (blame the pillarless design of Patrick Le Quement). By 2001, the wow-factor of such a drastically "different" car had well and truly worn off, and because Renault had to make it safer, they also had to make it uglier.

People also realised that this car doesn't fulfil its purpose - it's wasn't as cool looking as a normal coupe (as soon as you see the two-tone colour scheme, you tend to back away slowly), and it wasn't as practical as even a normal hatch, because it had only two doors. Even France, whose weird and fugly population usually lap up weird and fugly cars, snubbed the Avantime. And it didn't help that similarly priced premium hatch Renault Vel Satis (below) also entered the market in 2001. Imagine the showroom of a Renault dealer.Customer: "I'd like something from your premium range of cars."
Dealer: "Well, would you like to have a look at our tastefully styled 4-door hatchback,
which will impress your friends, or would you like to have a look at our 2-door
fish on wheels, the Avantime, which will make all your friends die of heart
attacks caused by them laughing at how stupid you look in your car."
Customer: "Hmm... sounds like a tough decision, doesn't it? Well, I don't have any friends, so
I'll take a look at your Avantime."
The Avantime didn't win many friends either. Renault pulled the plug on the Avantime in 2003, only two years after launch, because it was losing so much money on this dog of a car. Only 8,545 were built.
It goes to show that when manufacturers design turds, they sell like turds. Nobody can remember how the Avantime drove, but didn't care, because they didn't want it. I'm the first person to advocate risky and original design, but the Avantime embodied everything that is wrong about "form over function" design - it just wasn't what people wanted, needed, or liked.

WTF?! #1: Ergo to Renault - Don't design turds!