FEATURE STORY: Which Small Cars can a Man Drive with Dignity?
This is a very gender-orientated story, people. Small cars, for a long time now, have been targeted at females. And it's quite smart, on the part of a car maker. Think about it. What do young women use as their first car? Usually, it's a girly little Hyundai, or some other little bubblebox. What do young men use as their first car? Most of the time, it's a run-down Nissan 200SX or Skyline (with a customary barrel-sized exhaust system scraping the bitumen) - otherwise it's a Commodore or Falcon of at least ten years vintage. The ten year vintage thing is to make sure the car is "fully sick"... mate. Yeah sure, these are generalisations, but simple fact is - women buy small cars, men don't.
Some men won't be seen for dead in their wife's chirpy little Toyota Echo, because everyone who sees him, immediately, whether consciously or unconsciously, questions his man-hood. But IN YOUR FACE is here to help. In an age where fuel is more precious than children, small affordable cars have hit a sales boom. So when people who are used to buying Commodores or Falcons for their next car are suddenly faced with the oodles of choice presented in the small car market, it can all get a bit confusing. This story sorts out the chick-cars from the ones that you won't need a vasectomy to own. Here are the contenders in alphabetical order:
CITROEN C3
Citroen makes a big deal about the fact that it was voted "Most Beautiful Small Car in the World" - but it was an irrelevant poll from Italy in 2003. Far more beautiful cars have arrived since - this one is just a bubble. For your information, C3 is ambitiously markete as "all beauty, part beast" - cue some raised eyebrows. In grey, it stands a better chance than it does than in, well, baby-blue for example, but this is undeniably a girly-girl car.
Men? -- "Uh... not for me."
FIAT PUNTO
Somehow manages to look fairly neutral. Yes, the headlights can look a little bit feminine, especially with such a circular shape, but the overall shape of the car is that of one that appeals to both men and women. The waistline is well defined, sharply cut, and the window-height vertical rear lights, unlike some competitors, look really quite sporty. It doesn't even seem to come in an obviously girly colour, so boys, you can't really lose. It's a nice car. Especially the Abarth.
Men? -- "Yeah, alright, why not?"
FORD FIESTA
Ford says the Fiesta says "Go on, be bold!" ...It's the only car in its class that not only talks, but gives you encouraging comments. Some cars were just meant to be driven by women. The Fiesta is definitely a good-looking car, but the bubbly design yet again makes it embarassing for men to drive. The interior centre console was based on a mobile phone, for goodness sake. The maroon colour of this example is the nail in the coffin. The old XR4 would have been fine, but this... sorry.
Men? -- "Thanks, but no thanks."
HOLDEN BARINA
The Holden Barina used to be a fine little chick's car. Until Holden started sourcing them from Korea, and sold a rebadged Daewoo Kalos. Euuugh. It really is a cheap little piece of shite. Regardless of whether you're a guy or gal, you must have lost the will to live if you have decided to buy a Holden Barina. Not recommended for anyone - just look for some ANCAP crash test pictures if you don't believe me.
Men? -- "Aargh! Get it away from me!!!"
HONDA JAZZ
Another one for the lipstick brigade. To blame here are the tall, thin proportions - a sporty, male car is always somewhat squat, like it has attitude. This has a face like a rabbit, and although rabbits are fluffy and cute, it doesn't mean that a bloke wants their car to look like one. Even the VTi-S doesn't have any cred - the bodykit makes it look like a joke on wheels, not a track weapon.
Men? -- "As long as I'm not driving it."
HYUNDAI GETZ
I can't think of any Hyundai that doesn't make you look like you've had a "snip-snip" operation. They're fine, I guess, but only for girls. The Getz is no exception. With that smiley face, it will only win female friends. Even the name tells you it's a chick's car. I suppose it would be rather good value, but it doesn't look remotely sporty in any way, and therefore, doesn't give any reason for us manly men to like it.
Men? -- "[Yawn..!]"
KIA RIO
Rio de Janiero might be a cool place to holiday, but the car ain't such an amazing place to be. Kia says that it's Rio "redefines the term 'entry-level'". Well, it seems that 'entry-level' has a new definition - bland, boring, but cheap. It looks a lot cheaper than just about any other car here, excluding the Barina. Kia is seemingly incapable of creating interesting cars, and that trait is definitely on display here.
Men? -- "Wake me up when the footy game starts..."
MAZDA2
This is, also, a stunning looking car. But it is a female car, and that really is a shame because it's so well proprotioned. Even in top-spec Genki (sounds like an foot fungus or something, doesn't it?) form (pictured), with a bodykit that actually looks good (note to Honda), the Mazda2 still fails to look anything but friendly and smiley - and that is its downfall. It's probably overall one of the best cars here, but that's not what were investigating.
Women? -- "Wow. I love it!"
MITSUBISHI COLTAnother boring little white-good, from a manufacturer that doesn't seem to have any spirited products at the moment - how hard can it possibly be to make an interesting car? This car has simply copied its competitors, like the Honda Jazz and Mazda2, and doesn't add anything new to the segment. The design of it makes the wheels look even tinier than they actually are, which doesn't do it any favours.
Men? -- "Yeah, move on..."
NISSAN MICRA
Yes, it comes in pink. And yes, you will look ridiculous driving it, regardless of whether you are male or female. I'm a believer that the driver is as intelligent as their car, and in this case, you would have to be pretty dopey - this is one dopey looking car. Under "Key Features", what do you think Nissan have listed as the first two dot points? "Bold and distinctive styling" and "Range of funky colours" - which says it all.
Men? -- "Get that... thing away from me!"
PEUGEOT 207
Another wannabe cool city car, until... you realise that you bought the GTi (pictured). It makes a chick's car sporty enough for a guy to get away with it. Don't stress about the looks, they work much better in real life than they do in pictures (like all Peugeots), particularly in a really bright colour, like green. If you are as extroverted as this car, I think you can handle green paint.
PROTON GEN-2
Well, at least Proton tried. Hey, you gotta appreciate the fact the Proton, at the very least, made a decent looking car. That's enough reason for celebration, when it comes to a maker like Proton. Yet the interior is crapola (who needs a glovebox? You sure aren't getting one!), and it's not exactly packed with standard features like a Hyundai - so it doesn't exactly represent value for money. Why bother? P.S - when was Gen-1?
Men? -- "Really? You must be one of the lucky ones..."
RENAULT CLIO
A tame, nice looking little hatchback that transforms with the addition of one, very manly word at the end of its name. Sport. Yes, the regular Clio might be women-only, but in Sport guise (pictured), the Clio has just enough aggro to make it desirable. It's a ripper of a thing, and deserves respect. It'll really be a match for your cocky mate's V8 Monaro, anyway. Honest.
Men? -- "Ah yes, but we're, uh... sporty people, so we should buy the one that says 'Sport'. It'll suit me better. I mean us. I said us, didn't I?"
SUZUKI SWIFT
Girls just absolutely love this car - have you ever seen a guy driving one of these? Again, we're in better luck if the car is named 'Sport' (pictured). It's not fast, by any means (92kW...!) - at least not like the Clio - but then again, it is an inexpensive way (23,990) of getting a man to drive a small car. And it has four doors, unlike the frenchies. It has a sort of boyish go-kart look about it, which works just fine for the blokes.
Men? -- "Remember the 'Sport'... always remember the 'Sport'..."
TOYOTA YARIS
Toyota has a habit of making cars that are okay at just about everything, but great at nothing, and as boring as stale bread. The Yaris has been described as the only current car able to break the blandness - the "anti-Toyota" Toyota. Yet, there's a difference between 'not bland', and 'good looking'. The Toyota still looks like a stunned mouse caught in cartoon. Buying a Toyota is like signing a death sentence - you're stuck with the boring thing for ages because it doesn't break down. Ever.
Men? -- "I'd rather watch grass grow."
VOLKSWAGEN POLO
Try not to say the name "Poelow" please - save us your upper class accents. This isn't really an upper class car. It's a characterless little thing, but will do the job. You might get away with it if it's a GTI (pictured), but frankly, it doesn't really look that sporty either. The only thing that might make it look a bit sporty is that it has a black nose which resembles a koala. Koalas are very sporty creatures aren't they? Cute little fluffy things...
Men? -- "Do we have to? Oh well, you're the boss... GTI, GTI, GTI..."
So what are the findings? It seems that women have oodles of quite good choice, provided they go for something from either Europe or Japan. Blokes? Well, you can't go too wrong as long as the car's got a 'Sport' or 'GTI' badge. Then again, these often only have two doors, and there's a practicality issue in that. The solution? A Suzuki Swift Sport, or a Fiat Punto. The Fiat, although a bread-and-butter-type car in Italy, will be rather exotic here in down-under, but the Suzuki has some boyish charm, and represents better value for money. Either way, just by thinking about what suits both sexes, we've narrowed down a market segment of about 80 different model variants into just a couple of cars. And aside from all this superficial madness, they're both fantastic cars underneath.
Environmentalism doesn't have to start with crazy petrol/electric hybrid cars - Australia just needs to lose its "big sedan" culture, because it's ruining the environment, and burning a big hole in our wallets. Until Ford and Holden realise they need to think about how much fuel their cars use, both men and women need to get into small cars - but sadly, at the moment, half the population is being left out by default. Actually, the responsibility to promote more eco-friendly small cars is on both automotive companies and consumers.
It's time to save the world, and buy small cars men can own.
NEWS: 2009 Ferrari California
Meet the new Ferrari California - proof that hard-topped convertibles can look fantastic top down and top up.
If you thought Ferraris were just fast on a racetrack, think again. This car's mechanism means that the entire opening/closing cycle is completed in 14 seconds. Impressive.
This new "mini" supercar is based on the 1957 250 California (left), which was legendary for its track credentials, and its sunshine loving style. The 2009 version, like its 50-year-old ancestor, looks absolutely brilliant - I think this is a contender for the world's coolest convertible. Not to mention that it will be just about the fastest. Just enjoy the pictures.
NEWS: Hyundai i20 to replace Getz
It won't be long before the Hyundai Getz, well... getz the flick. The all new i20 is set to follow in it's bigger brother's footsteps (the i30), and offer a real alternative to the Mazda2 and Honda Jazz - and, knowing what the Koreans are like, it will be cheaper than just about all its rivals. Except maybe Kia.
The i20, despite what what Hyundai will protest, doesn't look remotely European - neither did the i30, and they reckoned that looked European too (it had chrome accents in the wheels, for Pete's sake! Bleugh!). Not to say that the i20 looks yuck, because it's more successful than the i30 at looking funky, modern and appealing. There's something of a Smart ForFour about it in my eyes, but with an asian-flavoured tilt. It could be another sign that Hyundai is becoming a whole lot more competitive. Not that I'd want one - it's a Hyundai, after all. How could I possibly put up with the shame?
PARIS MOTOR SHOW 2008: Lamborghini Estoque Concept
Lamborghini won't say if its four-door Estoque concept will go into production. It does seem to look suspiciously close to production, and it would make sense that Lamborghini produce a saloon to rival the Maserati Quattroporte. However, where the Maserati is curvaceous and smooth, the Estoque is hard-edged and technical.
It only partly works - it's more of a dilution of the design theme we've seen in the Murcielago and Gallardo. The front lights seem uninventive, and the rear end looks fussy and unresolved. But there's is no doubt that it has the overall desired effect - "woah". If you saw a bright yellow Estoque coming to a snobby-private school to pick up the kids, you'd laugh too. 
Although billed as a sports tourer, Lamborghini say that it would recieve the V10 engine from the Murcielago LP560-4, which is hardly the engine of a relaxed touring car.
Nevertheless, it poses an interesting question: what about the people who want ridiculously priced and wild-mannered sports cars, but have a family to cart around? What should they drive, a Bentley Continental Flying Spur? Surely, that's a little tame.
PARIS MOTOR SHOW 2008: Mercedes-Benz S600 Guard Pullman
Maybach? Maybach?!?! Why have a Maybach, Mr. Burns, when you can have a limousine that is so terrorist-proof it can withstand anything up to a nuclear explosion!
Yes, okay, I'm exaggerating with the nuclear explosions, but this stretched S-Class has, primarily for heads of state and monarchy, what Mercedes call "Special Protection". Gotta love the Germans and their threatening-sounding euphemisms. The armour on this limousine can withstand the most powerful military rifles, and provides its passengers with complete protection from the hand grenades and other lethal sounding explosives that Mr. Osama would revere.
NEWS: 2009 Megane - "bootylicious" no more
It's sad - a tragedy. The Renault Megane will lose the junk in its trunk. This 2009 model Megane is part of Renault's (bland) new line-up, and even though there has been an overload of small car stories lately, this one is quite important, because it signifies a manufacturer turning up its nose at adventurous design.
The Megane II was a revelation when it first came out - a talking point at dinner parties, even. I mean, who could resist a car with a big sexy butt like that? Ironically, this "bootylicious" car couldn't really fit much in its boot (its boot volume was almost a half that of some of its competitors), but that's not the point. The Megane was a roaring success in Europe (nowhere else, unfortunately), and it gave other French 
manufacturers the confidence to release far more individually styled cars than they ever did in the 90s. Citroen had the C4 and C6, Peugeot had its gaping-mouthed 407, and more recently, the 207 and 308.
But the new face of Renault is going to destroy all the hard work the cars like the Megane II did to make Renaults look innovative and advanced. It looks boring. As boring as the Golf. And if you don't agree with that, then it must look disturbing to you, then. It does look quite disturbing at the front - it has the smile of an axe-murderer with no teeth.
Thank heavens there will be a Renault Megane Sport, sometime in the near future. And I have a concept from earlier this year that is meant to hint at what the Megane Sport could look like. I don't honestly expect it to have bizarre double-gullwing doors and virtual side mirrors, but if it at least keeps that fantastic rear end design, then maybe I won't lament the liposuction Renault performed on the regular Megane. It's just a shame, that's all.
NEWS: Volkswagen Golf Mark VI
The new Volkswagen Golf is coming very soon - sooner than we all expected. Because Mark V was expensive to build, Volkswagen rushed in its new Golf so that it could make more money on it. Only five years after they built the last one. That's an even shorter time between models than most Japanese cars (traditionally, European cars take about 8 years per model cycle).
Well, the big news is that your bog-standard Golf now gets the face of a Scirocco (in the words of Borat: "Nice"), and an even better quality interior. One of the critisisms of the last 
Golf was that interior quality wasn't up to the same standards as Mark IV, but Volkswagen say that this new Golf will "completely redefine the quality and comfort level of its class". But I'm always more sceptical.
The whole point of releasing the new Golf so early is that it is cheaper to make. Does that mean cheaper interior materials? We'll have to wait and see. The pictures make it look rather nice, however, if rather generic.
Of more interest is the new GTI, which will now have 157 Kilowatts (210 HP) of power, an increase of 10kW - which of course is great, because everyone loves more power. It puffs out less carbon dioxide too, which pleases the greenie in all of us. The R32 will be replaced with the GTI-R, which does not retain the former's engine (due to emissions regulations), and instead gets the engine from the Audi S3 - a 191kW (256 HP) donk.
PARIS MOTOR SHOW 2008: Ssangyong learns what Sstyle means
This, unbelievably, is a Ssangyong.
It is called the C200, and although it's just a concept, and quite unlikely to make it into production looking as remotely awesome as it does... it gobsmacks me. Not because it's quite that good-looking, but don't get me wrong, it looks great. What I'm trying to say is... how did Ssangyong do it?
Think of any other Ssangyong cars you can name. If you don't know what a Ssangyong is, google them, or look at the cars I will talk about below. You won't forget what a Ssangyong is when you've seen one. Ssangyong invented ugly. Okay, they may not have invented it, but they have perfected ugliness. And unlike the Picnic chocolate bar, Ssangyongs aren't delicious to drive.
Take the Actyon for example - it's name may sound like one of the moons of Uranus (I think it's really just "Action", with the 'i' replaced with a 'y' - as you do), but it manages to take the horrible body shape of the BMW X6, and make it soooo much worse. Of the two pictures below, the BMW is first, and then - brace yourself - is the Actyon.
Okay, the BMW is pretty awful (well, some like it, some don't), but the Actyon simply looks wrong, like a joke. "Hey, don't you think it'd be funny if you saw cars that looked like this running around?" said one designer to the other. "Ssangyong like ugly stuff, let's show it to them first." And there is the history of the Actyon.
The Ssangyong website claims that "Actyon's distinctive crossover look incorporates the sleek lines of a coupe into a small SUV". Well, I also learned from the website that the name Actyon was actually coined, despite my speculation, from "Active" and "Youth" (supposedly it's target market) and as soon as you think about how active the youth of today are, bam, Ssangyong's credibility is in tatters. Don't believe a word they say. It is ugly.
Then there's the grandaddy of ugliness. The Stavic (or Rodius in some markets) has the most ill-conceived face in the motor industry, in my humble opinion. The grille reminds everyone I know of a burnt thong.
And when you combine that with an "unmistakably" proportioned profile (below), you get a car that has a "sophisticated look". Ssangyong's words, not mine. I told you not to believe a word they say.
Which brings me to the C200. It looks brilliant, and even if you take away all the futuristic LED lights, the looks still have substance. It will, apparently, be the renaissance of Ssangyong, and is indicative of their long-term plan - to add "stylishness and progressiveness" into their model line-up. I can't wait - if they start making cars like the C200, I've got a feeling I'm really going to start liking Ssangyong.
But sadly, if a past record is anything to go by, then it is all lies. Ssangyong's new models couldn't possibly have "stylishness and progressiveness" - not if they say so, anyway. But I want them to prove me wrong so badly. Please prove me wrong, Ssangyong, and I'll never Ssay anything horrible about you again.
WTF?! #1: Ergo to Renault - Don't design turds!
Some dipstick product guru at Renault thought, in 1999, that people would buy this.
They had high, high hopes for the Avantime (yes, it's not just you, it sounds homosexual to me too), hoping it would be the beginning of a new market niche: the luxury and comfort of a coupe with the style and flexibility of an Espace-type MPV. Except it took two years to get it properly into production, because it took ages for it to become safe (blame the pillarless design of Patrick Le Quement). By 2001, the wow-factor of such a drastically "different" car had well and truly worn off, and because Renault had to make it safer, they also had to make it uglier.
People also realised that this car doesn't fulfil its purpose - it's wasn't as cool looking as a normal coupe (as soon as you see the two-tone colour scheme, you tend to back away slowly), and it wasn't as practical as even a normal hatch, because it had only two doors. Even France, whose weird and fugly population usually lap up weird and fugly cars, snubbed the Avantime. And it didn't help that similarly priced premium hatch Renault Vel Satis (below) also entered the market in 2001. Imagine the showroom of a Renault dealer.
Customer: "I'd like something from your premium range of cars."
Dealer: "Well, would you like to have a look at our tastefully styled 4-door hatchback,
which will impress your friends, or would you like to have a look at our 2-door
fish on wheels, the Avantime, which will make all your friends die of heart
attacks caused by them laughing at how stupid you look in your car."
Customer: "Hmm... sounds like a tough decision, doesn't it? Well, I don't have any friends, so
I'll take a look at your Avantime."
The Avantime didn't win many friends either. Renault pulled the plug on the Avantime in 2003, only two years after launch, because it was losing so much money on this dog of a car. Only 8,545 were built.
It goes to show that when manufacturers design turds, they sell like turds. Nobody can remember how the Avantime drove, but didn't care, because they didn't want it. I'm the first person to advocate risky and original design, but the Avantime embodied everything that is wrong about "form over function" design - it just wasn't what people wanted, needed, or liked.
NEWS: Mazda 3 2010 Teaser Photos
Well, Mazda has decided that the aging (but still great looking) Mazda3 needs a new model. So they leaked out some teaser images. As usual, these teaser images are taken from not-so-revealing angles, so that you don't really get much of an idea of how the car will look in real life.
Unfortunately, this looks like one contrived car, particularly at the rear, which poses the question - why did Mazda decide that two of these three pictures should showcase the back? It's hard to tell what the front looks like at all. The rear tail-lights mimic the new Mazda6, but seem far too big, and wrap around the sides too far, and the car itself generally looks big-bottomed because of the squared off boot, and large bumper - surely you don't need a bumper that sticks out that much? It may be for safety, but it weighs the rear down even more than that squared off boot does - what's it for then, sitting on? The side windows sort of just, finish - without a bit of smoothness, which is odd, considering the rest of the car has been redesigned to look smoother than the previous model.
But enough whinging. The new Mazda3 sedan will be unveiled at the Los Angeles Motor Show on November 19, and will be billed as the "next generation of Zoom-Zoom spirit". Yeah, whatever. No word on when the hatch will be unveiled, though - and I was always a far bigger fan of the hatch too, damn! No really, I was, I'm keep telling my sister to buy one for her first car, I like it that much.
A long search for the hatch yielded only this unverified picture (left), which considering we now know what the sedan looks like, could be almost right: 
Yes, I know the front doesn't look the same, but I think the general shape is right here. It hopefully won't look quite as conservative as this, but it's an agreeable design nonetheless.
I noticed something though: check out this Peugeot 308 on the right, and then the face of the Mazda3 Sedan at the very top.
Now do you understand where you thought you'd seen this face before? It's nearly identical. That's the way the motor industry works, and has for donkey's yonks - everyone copies each other. What a shame Mazda didn't copy something cooler, like it's Furai concept - google it, it's fully sick. Especially with the lights all on!
