You know what? I really like the Citroen C5. First of all, it looks like a luxury sedan should - a classy car, but not about to blend in with the scenery either. Even the wagon looks rather nice, and seems to have a point, because it is rather practical, and doesn't look like a hearse. However. Citroens drop in price like clothes on boxing day, so don't buy one new. Hunt out a sucker who bought one new, and buy his. They may not be that reliable, but they will be reliable enough. It's parts are 80% shared with the Peugeot 407, but you wouldn't know it - this is much better. The engines are all diesel, however, and you need to buy the top model (Exclusive) to get the really good one. But look at it!!! It makes the Volkswagen Passat look like my microwave, and has an elegance and technicality about it that I definitely like. Interior appearance also, is highly commendable - it looks fantastic, like the cockpit of the Airbus A380, and with more than enough buttons to make you look high-tech. If you can see the steering wheel in the picture of the interior below, just check out how many buttons are on it - who needs that many buttons? On the steering wheel? Evidently, the C5 does. Why? Because it is absolutely loaded with features. There almost isn't enough space on the dash to fit enough buttons for all the features. That's why the C5 looks the way it does. But I love it. It's different - apart from the crowd. And the badge isn't snobbish enough to be keyed in the shopping centre car park - it's not too good, but it's well and truly good enough for me. And it's an honest kind of car - and likeable, with a fresh personality all of its own.

As a used car? Much better value option that buying it new, but don't get the old model. The old model looked hideous, drove very poorly and looked tackier inside than your grandma's tea set.

Effective December 2008
(Click Image to Emlarge)

YOUR CAR IN BRIEF: Citroen C5

After being prompted in a reader comment "what would be a good first car?", I felt I couldn't simply answer that question properly in a Blog Comment. There is enough meat in this to make a sizeable story.

There is not one car that will suit all types of people, and different people have different priorities. Not to mention different price ranges. I can recommend stuff, but the range of things to choose from is so large these days that you'd still be scratching your head. However, for most reasonable price ranges, you can still get a variety of used and new cars. But there are a few golden rules to buying a good first car - so pay attention as I start listing them. I'll test ya later.

1. If it was a good car when it was new, then chances are, it will be a good used car as well.

Now what I mean by that is when the car was new - like in 2004 when Proton launched the Gen-2 - how was it considered? The Gen-2 was crap then, and is still crap now. Good new cars tend to make good used cars. So:

2. Forget about Chrysler, Daewoo, Daihatsu, Dodge, Hummer, Hyundai, Kia, Proton and Ssangyong. You won't miss them.

Why have I been so harsh? Because I can't think of one car any of these manufacturers have made that is actually good. New or used, it doesn't matter, don't be tempted by these carmakers. They may try to lure you with low prices, and seemingly good warranty etc., but these cars are made with the philosophy "near enough is good enough", and they will require more maintenance and repair than other cars. They are quite likely to be faulty. Not only that, they will not make you feel special in any way, and will be dull in every respect, not least to drive. With the exception of one or two recent Hyundais, all these manufacturers make cars that are significantly less safe than their competitors. Don't be fooled by how many airbags are quoted - they are made by Asian slave labour, and wearing a Michellin-Man suit is a more effective protection system than one of these cars. They are cheap, and that's it.

So talking about reliability, here's a rule that might help you out.

3. Buying a Japanese car will mean virtually trouble-free ownership.

More than a European car, anyway. Okay, here's the trade-off. A Japanese car will be really reliable, and won't cost too much to service or to insure either. But a European car will have more personality, will usually drive even better, but won't be as reliable or as cheap to service and insure. Really, the disparity in insurance costs can be an eye-opener. Get an online insurance estimate for your car before you buy, just to know what you're in for. Some online calculators are quite innacurate, but I can recommend the RACV insurance calculator, as they seem to be just about spot on. European cars are also more expensive than their Japanese counterparts. Really, those little Japs have worked out marvellous ways to manufacture with fantastic quality - especially Toyota. Toyotas never seem to as much as cough. Which reminds me:

4. Don't buy a Toyota unless you really, really have to.

But why, you ask? Well, let me as you a question in return. For your first car, would you like a whitegood on wheels, or would you like a car? If you answered "a car", then you do not want a Toyota. You will want to smile as you turn the key of your car every day, not groan because after 35 years your bland Toyota still keeps going and you wish it would just die. Okay, I know you can sell your car, so that's a bit of an exaggeration, but you should be a car because it is good, not because it won't die.

But that's enough brand bagging for one day. It's time to help you with what kind of car you should buy, and helping you come to your own conclusions about what is right for you. The first question you need to ask yourself is: how big does my car need to be? Which leads on to my next rule:

5. Don't buy a car that is at all bigger than you need it to be.

It may sound like common-sense, but you'd be surprised how many people just get carried away. Basically, the principle is this: you are far better off buying a better quality small car than buying a sh*tbox of a large car. And besides, a small car will provide better fuel efficiency (less money at the pump), and will be easier to park. That should be quite important, because if you're buying a first car, chances are you are young, and young people tend to need to drive in the city. You will be very surprised how much the right-sized car will lessen your in-car stress levels.

When people go out to buy a car, all they seem to talk about is their price range. They're getting it wrong! The first thing you should think about is your size range. What cars are the right size for your needs? Once you know that, you can see how old the cars have to be before they reach into your price range. But remember this:

6. Buy the newest car you can afford, with the least amount of kilometres on the odometer you can find.

Don't try and find the cheapest car that looks fine - a newer car will perform better and be more reliable than an old one. Spend as much money as you can (within reason) on your car - every penny is worth it, trust me. Cars get better all the time. These days they do, anyway. Try to find a car that has the least amount of kilometres you possibly can. But a good guide to follow is this - don't buy a car that has significantly more than 15,000km on the clock for every year of age. So a MY2003 (Model Year 2003) car with more than 75,000km is a bit of a worry. Why? Because any higher than that and it is likely that the car has been thrashed, and its internals may not be in great condition. Really, you do have to make sure everything about your car is in good condition.

7. Always, always test drive the car, and give it a thorough once-over, twice-over and thrice-over.

Play around with all the switches and knobs, and check to see if the electricals (air-conditioning, radio, CD player, windows, mirrors, etc.) are still working. If they are not, that will be an extra expense, and you really don't want that - depending on what car it is, it can be quite an expense, too. If you don't trust your own judgement, pay for an expert assessment of the car - they will point out mechanical problems that may not be immediately evident. But I'm talking about used cars here, not new ones.

But regardless, make sure there is absolutely nothing about the car that is really going to drive you up the wall. I mean it! Just about all cars have some sort of downfall, or something that is going to irritate someone. Just make sure that nothing at all is going to annoy the crap out of you, because once you've bought the car, there's nothing you can do about it. For example, when my sister was looking for her first car, she found that a few cars were just about perfect in every other area, but had one small problem: The speedometer was in the middle of the car, not directly in front of the steering wheel. My sister has multifocal lens glasses which are nigh on useless in the corners of the lens - they are designed for the straight ahead, and if my sister were to glance at the speedometer, she would have to physically turn her head away from the road - which poses a safety, not to mention an annoyance issue.

If you find that for the size of car you want, you can afford a new car, great! A new car doesn't have the same risk as a used car (risk of it being a lemon), and you don't inherit the problems of the previous owner. However, you may wish to look at buying a slightly used car or dealer demonstrator car - these are called "nearly new" cars. They may save you a few grand, but be warned - a car that is being sold after just a year of previous ownership is always a bit suspicious and fishy. Why don't they want it anymore? Find out why the seller is selling the vehicle. You don't want to buy their lemon. If they couldn't stand it after only one year, how will you fare?

8. Get the Roadworthy Certificate, and see the Servicing History Log-Book of the car.

If the car has been serviced abnormally often (use your own discretion, it's easy enough to tell), then chances are, the car is a dud. If the seller cannot provide a roadworthy certificate, do not buy the car. They should know they need to provide this, and are probably just trying to do a shonky deal with you. If at any time, the seller of the car refuses to answer one of your questions, or is witholding information, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. The car could be stolen, and you don't want to get duped. It could also have money owing. For example, if the seller bought the car for $16,000 but still has $4,000 left unpaid, and you buy the car, then the $4,000 debt is now yours. Retarded, I know, but all the more reason to make sure you aren't dudded. That's why if it looks to cheap to be true, it probably isn't.

You can avoid this trap, however, by doing a free Vehicle Status Check on the VicRoads website - it will check whether the vehicle is stolen, it's registration, whether it has been in a "write-off" accident (some cars are repaired on the outside, but still have unsafe componenents), or any financial information that may be of interest to a buyer. I'll take you there now if you click HERE.

But when it comes to working out what car to buy, this comes first:

9. Do ya bloody research, ya lazy bugger!

After you've worked out what size car you need, you really need to do some research about the cars within that size range. The internet is a great way to do this simply, at your own leisure, and without car salesmen (usually men) breathing down your neck and telling you to buy, BUY, BUY!!!

Some cars will have different features, and so you will have to prioritise. Do I want better safety, or more performance? Do I want good handling, or do I want a more stylish car? They're not always mutually exclusive, but often, you will have to compromise. But how much you have to compromise depends on how well you've done your research. You shouldn't have to compromise very much at all (unless you expect a Toyota Yaris to be equipped like a Rolls-Royce).

By the time you walk into the dealership, or the car yard, or meet the seller to have a look at the car, you should know as much, if not more, about the car than the seller themselves. The seller should not tell you something about the car that you are at all surprised by, or did not know. If they do, you should be confident enough in your research to suspect them of lying - shonky car salesmen tend to lie, and you need to be able to show them up. When you finally see the car in the flesh (or metal, I should say), all you should need to do is see the Service Log Book, the Roadworthy Certificate, test drive the car and make sure everything works, and negotiate a price. That's it. You should already have found out about the car, either online, or by telephoning the seller for more information.

This way, not only do you save time, but you look more informed, and the seller will be less likely to rip you off. But at the end of the day, this is also a really important tip:

10. You should love the car you've bought.

Honestly. Providing you've followed the rules, you should be able to find a car that you will fall in love with, and grow attached to. It sounds lame, but think what a fantastic feeling it will be when you look at all the other cars on the road and laugh because yours is just soooo much better. Cars usually aren't perfect, but if you find one that you truly love, then in the end, that's what truly matters, isn't it? And don't think I'm comparing buying a car to finding the partner of your dreams, because if you are thinking that, then you've missed the point entirely. You too should be a car enthusiast. You should be enthusiastic about your car. Cars are not just transport - they are personal transport, and a symbol of global culture.

So anyway, if one of your mates reckons they've bought a lemon, its because they haven't followed one of my ten simple rules. Learn from their mistakes, buy a better car than they did, and chuckle quietly to yourself when they give you a jealous glare as you drive off down the street.

FEATURE STORY: Your First Car

China is a very new automotive industry, and global carmakers all want a piece of what will, inevitably, be the largest market in the world. So you can imagine the furore when General Motors bosses back in Detroit noticed that one of their cars - the Daewoo Matiz - had been blatantly copied (remember that GM owns Daewoo...) by a tiny Chinese company, Chery, which had at the time existed for only six years.

Exhibit A: The Chery QQ. It has a choice of two wonderous engines: a 0.8 Litre, 38kW engine, or an absolutely bullet-like 1.1 Litre 50kW version. It is 3.5 Metres long, which is about half a metre shorter than a Mazda2. And it is cheap. Very cheap. The equivalent of about $8,000 - depending on where it's sold.






Exhibit B: The Daewoo Matiz. Probably best known to you as Kel's car in the sitcom "Kath and Kim". Probably not the best car to copy, but the Chinese thought otherwise. It had almost identically gutless engines as the Chery (0.8 Litre/37kW and 1.0 Litre/47kW), weighed little more than the average American, and went from 0-100kmh in 18 seconds. A Ford Focus will do it in less than half that time.



But the Chery is a real oddity - something that doesn't come around very often. One could argue that in these modern times, with advanced industrial techniques, robots and so forth, that a "bad" car - and I mean truly bad, even worse than a Kia - doesn't exist. But you'd be wrong, because the Chery QQ exists. Complaints about the QQ have flooded the internet, among which a owner bemoaning the loss of his iPod touch after the in-car USB dock fried its internal hardware. I find it odd that that guy could afford an iPod touch, but could not afford a better car than a Chery QQ. The iPod touch would have cost almost as much.

I know what you're wondering. Is this monstrosity available in Australia? Thankfully no. But we can laugh at the rest of the world, for now. Take this extract from Singapore motor review website OneMotor:

"In our test car, where the lower part of the centre console and dashboard meet, you get a smooth, flush interface on one side, and a gaping, uneven gap large enough to poke your hand through on the other. Comical."

So it ain't the best quality. But you get what you pay for, right? Yeah, I guess. Still, you can't deny that it is the funniest copy of an equally stupid original car. General Motors were, in truth, really angry about the copy, even though they really probably shouldn't have given a stuff about it. It's only a Daewoo Matiz after all. But the QQ is still being produced and sold, even though GM in America threw a tantrum - want to know why? Because Chery is a Chinese Government-owned corporation. The USA government couldn't afford to upset them, so GM's cries of plagiarism fell on purposely deaf ears. Even though GM Executives demostrated very publicly that the doors on the Chery QQ and Daewoo Matiz are interchangeable without any modification.

Apparently, Chery has conceded that for more success, it shouldn't really copy other people. So this was part of a statement released on one of their European english language websites:

"Chery, the eighth on size the motor-car manufacturer of China, is persistently torn to foreign markets, type of Northern America, Malaysia and the Europe where its{her} strategy of the low price should be popular. To make it, in Chery have realized, that they should stop to do{make} the latent copies of cars of other manufacturers carrying badge Chery."

I couldn't make up anything so retarded if I had tried.

But I maintain that this car should not be still on the road - any road, anywhere in the world. It is an accident waiting to happen. And when they do, you had better not be in a Chery QQ. It's EuroNCAP rating is no more than 0 stars. None. In a frontal collision at 80 kilometres per hour, the likelyhood of walking away unhurt was 0%. Chance of death was 70%.

Don't believe me? Check out these two EuroNCAP crash test pictures. The left picture is a frontal crash test of a MY2000 Daewoo Matiz. It achieved 3 stars, and assessors were reasonably satisfied with the way the passenger compartment maintained its shape (aside from the windscreen), and protected the occupant, considering the size of the car. The picture on the right is a Chery QQ. Note the extensive use of red on the diagram - this means severe damage and poor protection.

The pictures speak for themselves. It means that not only have the Chinese copied a crap car, they have made a car significantly worse than it. And although it begs the question: "why did they make this?" - I simply look at the crash test picture, with the door falling off, and go: "WTF man, how is this even allowed?!?!"

WTF?! #4: The Copycat Chery QQ

The BMW 3-Series is a class stalwart. It was the class leader in so many ways for so long. But not now. The latest BMW 3-Series was too safe, and not considerably more advanced than the much loved previous model. This BMW is seen to be the real estate agent's car, the CPA's car - that sort of thing. Friend to businessmen everywhere. And not as cool looking or expensive looking as the pricetag suggests. In fact, the 3-Series looks quite boring - I can't really think of a reason why it looks good, actually. Oh wait, I know why that is! That's because it doesn't look good. The rear looks especially awkward, as if they tried to give is a tapered, coupe look, but couldn't because it'd ruin the boot space, so it just looks confused. And it's not like it is particularly spacious either - as one of (if not the smallest) in it's class, I would hardly recommend it as a family car. It isn't quite as well built as an Audi, but it will never leave you feeling shortchanged inside. The real appeal of the 3-Series is in the handling. That could be it's saving grace, to be honest, because I'm running out of reasons to like this car. Another reason not to like it is the trip computer system iDrive, which seems to be so complicated that it baffles me that it isn't considered a driver distraction and outlawed. I once asked a BMW representative at the Melbourne Motor Show to demonstrate the use of iDrive, and his mumbled response was that he wasn't very good at using it, so I'd have to ask someone else. True story. If BMW's own blokes can't use it, how do techno-idiots like me stand a chance?!?! Oh, by the way, you can get a wagon version of this car too, it's called Touring. But you wouldn't. Trust me, you wouldn't.

Would you buy it as a used car? Yeah, maybe, but BMW 3-Series cars very often have a high number on the odometer - well, of course they do. They get run around on business by real estate agents.

Effective October 2008
(Click Image to Emlarge)

YOUR CAR IN BRIEF: BMW 3-Series

The Audi A4 was always the poor-man's German executive sedan, because the Audi badge simply didn't have as much prestige, and their cars were less interesting, and a rather boring drive. Fast forward to 2008, and you have the Audi A4, which has more attitude than both the Mercedes C-Class and BMW 3-Series, actually drives really well for a change, has more space, is even better built, and now, prestigious. The interior, especially, is miles ahead of its competitors, with a considerable amount of features. The front daytime running-lights that are becoming common in Audi models is causing a bit of a stir - some say it is a gimmick, and will turn their noses up at you, and tell you that engage in masturbatory activities. Pay no attention to them, because they actually make you look properly menacing, and at night, you will stand out for all the right reasons. The 3.0 Litre Diesel is easily the standout engine, if you can afford it. Because this car is an Audi, it's built like a Swiss Bank Vault, and is great quality - so it's very reliable. There is also a wagon version, called Avant, but who buys that?

Buying the old model as a used car is a fairly good option, as Audis drop their value faster than BMW or Mercedes, and will still be of superb quality - just don't expect it to be as classy, as roomy, as great to drive, or as cool. This new one was quite a large leap forward.

Effective December 2008
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YOUR CAR IN BRIEF: Audi A4

Easily the coolest and most stylish executive sedan and wagon on the market, the Alfa Romeo 159 has stunning presence on the road, and unlike some German competitors, does not look like a real estate agent's car. The overall effect is of something much more youthful than the BMW 3-Series or Mercedes-Benz C-Class, especially inside. The interior does, admittedly look cheaper than it's rivals, but providing you choose the optional orange or red leather, I don't think you'll care - it still looks fantastic. In the past, Alfa Romeos have been notorious for their poor reliability, but Alfa has promised that this new 159 bucks this trend - we'll have to wait and see. Expect reliability to be higher than Alfa's previous standards, and on par with the class average, but not class leading (Audi A4). The 2.4 litre diesel engine is definitely the best, if you can afford it, but then again, diesel engines don't appeal to everyone. This one is one of the best out there, however.

As a used car? You want to be extra careful because of the reliability issues mentioned above. But because it is an Alfa, expect to pay significantly less than for an equivalent German car. It presents a great value for money option - just don't get a lemon.

Effective July 2008
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WHAT ELSE COULD I GET?

Audi A4
BMW 3-Series
Citroen C5
Jaguar X-Type
Lexus IS
Mercedes C-Class
Peugeot 407
Renault Laguna
Saab 9-3
Volkswagen Passat
Volvo S40
Volvo S60

YOUR CAR IN BRIEF: Alfa Romeo 159

NOTE: If text is red, then this review does not exist yet, but if the text is green, then this information is available.

Vantage
DB9
DBS

Grand Voyager
Crossfire
Sebring
PT Cruiser
300C

C2
C3
C3 Pluriel
C4
C4 Picasso
C5
C6

500
Punto
Ritmo

Fiesta
Focus
Focus CC
Mondeo
Falcon
Falcon Ute
Escape
Territory

Astra VXR
E Series Commodore

H3

X-Type

Compass

Rio

Freelander 2

IS

GranTurismo
Quattroporte

57/62

Mazda2

A-Class

Cooper

Colt
Colt Cabriolet
Lancer
Lancer Evolution
Outlander
Grandis
Pajero

4/4

Micra

207

Cayenne

Savvy

Megane

Phantom

9-3
9-3 Convertible
9-5

Octavia

ForTwo

Rexton II

Impreza

Swift

Yaris

Polo

C30

YOUR CAR IN BRIEF: Index