Have you ever paused for a moment to think "What would it be like to have [insert rich celebrity or politician here]'s life, and be able to drive their cars?"

No, you probably haven't. But I have, and the last time I did that, I decided that a new blog segment will be born. It's called "Jealousy", simply because I am jealous of the people I feature in this segment - the first up is the Queen of England. Yes, she's old and probably should just die and leave us all alone, but I really do wish I was in her will just so I could pick up one of her luxurious cars. Just one, Mrs. Queen, please - that's all I ask. In return, you can get me to paint a picture of you that makes you look like Jessica Alba, rather than the tired old granny Rolf Harris painted you as.

When you think about the British Royals, the first thing that comes to mind is Rolls-Royces. And aren't they just divine. The oldest Rolls is actually one that the Queen herself bought, before she was handed the throne, and it became a State car after her coronation - it was a Phantom IV. Anyone who knows about Rolls-Royces will nod in solemn agreement when I say that it was one super rare car. Only 18 were built, so there you go - it still breathes in the royal garages. There are, of course, other Rollers - a Phantom V, and two Phantom VIs, of which a Silver Jubilee model (pictured) which was presented to her majesty by the British Motor Industry on that occasion. It's hard to tell who when and why bought what, because, as snobby British people do, they don't tell you.

A quirk of the Royal cars is that the Queen does not use the Spirit of Ecstasy (the pretty girl with wings and boobs that bends over on the bonnet of every Rolls-Royce) for her principal car. On the Phantom IV she first bought in 1950, she stuck a little metal sculpture of "St. George slaying the dragon" on the bonnet instead. Yeah... whatever. I liked the other chick better. Maybe Lizzy saw her as competition and said to her guard: "off with her head!" - how do we know? Georgie stabbing the giant lizard can be transferred to any car the Queen likes, so that the principal car of the time wears the odd sculpture.

Although it wasn't always the Rolls-Royce that was the headline act. The first ever royal car, bought long before little Lizzy was ever even conceived was... wait for it... a Renault. A 1906 Renault XB (14-20 HP) was, according to Edward VII, "royally smashing" - so he bought one, and then grumbled a lot when it broke down so regularly. It was a Renault, what did he expect? Not much has really changed, has it...

Other than that, there have been more spectacular ventures, like the 1934 McLaughlin-Buick that Edward VIII fell in love with. It has since been named "most romantic car in the world", and Edward's example sold in New York 2007 for $185,000 at auction. Which is, of course, a steal.

But more commonly, the British Royal Family bought Daimlers. They have three Daimler DS420 limousines, one of which was owned by the Queen Mother (who also has a statuette mascot, the "Britannia"), and they're, well, they look pretty similar to everything else really - really... regal. Except perhaps a touch girlier. They were used as their "everyday" drives. If you can get used to a car that is six metres long for your everyday drive. Plenty of room for the corgis then.

But for her Majesty's Golden Jubilee, the British Motor Industry outdid themselves. Bentley designed a limousine, just for the Queen of England. It's called the Bentley State Limousine, and it's heavily modified from a Bentley Arnage R platform - only two were built, just for the royals. This makes the State Limousine rarer than Lizzy's Phantom IV. This car has been given not just the security once over, but the security umpteen times over - it features armor-plated cladding, a mine-resistant floor, bazooka-proof glass (...!), and a cabin that can be sealed against a gas attack (no Zyklon B neo-nazi terrorist are going to kill this Queen). All this does make a car very heavy, and at 4 tonnes, the Queen isn't going anywhere in a hurry. I also have a rare picture of the interior for your enjoyment, complete with the driving gloves and hat of the driver.

Still, I can't help hating the Queen for all her luxury, her breeding, and the way she seems to get everything for free (what a scab). I know what it's called, this feeling burning up inside me. It's called JEALOUSY.

... and I also wish that Jessica Alba was the Queen of England. Even though she's not English.

JEALOUSY #1: God Save Our Gracious... Cars

Alright, as the title suggests, I don't like the Porsche Panamera. But I don't think it is because I have a general dislike for Porsches (they're just backward in terms of style!) - I genuinely believe the Panamera is stupid. Perhaps not as stupid as the Cayenne, but seriously stupid nonetheless.

I don't need to tell you it looks ugly. You can see that 911 styling just doesn't translate to a car with four doors and is over 5-metres in length. You're eyes aren't decieving you, it really is that long. It's bulky and looks heavy (even though it probably isn't, knowing Porsche). So, I'm wondering. It doesn't really seem to be much of a sports saloon (you can't tell me that something 5.2 metres long with a huge wheelbase is going to quick and agile), and it can't be a luxury car, because Porsche don't make luxury cars. Who is this car for?

At least the Lamborghini Estoque (which recently seems to be becoming more likely to go into production by the minute) looks properly sporty, if a bit confused. The Panamera looks like a big fat lumbering blob. Harsh maybe, but you have to think about the competition. Already established in this segment is the Maserati Quattroporte - stunningly stylish, ridiculously luxurious, fairly fast, incredibly customisable. The Bentley Continental Flying Spur - more leather and woodgrain than you can poke a stick at, fast (in a straight line), very comfortable. Do I think the Panamera has what it takes to sell well against these rivals? No, because it lacks desirability.
If a car has desirability, it makes you want to own it even though you know buying one would be a stupid thing to do. Think Fiat 500, a Citroen C6, or a Mercedes-Benz SL. Because the Panamera has nothing else in its favour, it at least needs desirability to win buyers in its favour. I cannot think why someone, however weird, would want this. As stupid as the Porsche Cayenne is, people buy it because they want the biggest, baddest, and fastest SUV on the planet. It also happens to be a Porsche.

So that is all that is left for the Porsche Panamera. It is a Porsche. If you want a Porsche that badly, buy a Boxster - it is cheaper. The Panamera will cost $250,000 plus. Perhaps the Panamera will be an excellent drive - but if you are buying a Panamera because it is an excellent drive, why not buy a 911? It will surely be a more excellent drive. Are you beginning to get my drift? There aren't any rational arguments for buying this car over something else. I'm told it will get around 500 horsepower (373kW) from it's top of the range V8, but really, what's the point of having 500 horses pulling a cart that is so ugly you wouldn't touch it with a 500-foot pole?

NEWS: Porsche Panamera Unveiled and Uncool

Lamborghini won't say if its four-door Estoque concept will go into production. It does seem to look suspiciously close to production, and it would make sense that Lamborghini produce a saloon to rival the Maserati Quattroporte. However, where the Maserati is curvaceous and smooth, the Estoque is hard-edged and technical.

It only partly works - it's more of a dilution of the design theme we've seen in the Murcielago and Gallardo. The front lights seem uninventive, and the rear end looks fussy and unresolved. But there's is no doubt that it has the overall desired effect - "woah". If you saw a bright yellow Estoque coming to a snobby-private school to pick up the kids, you'd laugh too. Although billed as a sports tourer, Lamborghini say that it would recieve the V10 engine from the Murcielago LP560-4, which is hardly the engine of a relaxed touring car.

Nevertheless, it poses an interesting question: what about the people who want ridiculously priced and wild-mannered sports cars, but have a family to cart around? What should they drive, a Bentley Continental Flying Spur? Surely, that's a little tame.

PARIS MOTOR SHOW 2008: Lamborghini Estoque Concept