No, really. This WTF?! installment is about Smarts. The car, of course - but not like you might think. Unlike some other motoring enthusiasts who might hate the Smart ForTwo, I can totally see its appeal and importance in the car universe. I just wouldn't be seen dead in one. That sounds kind of hypocritical, but that's exactly how I feel. I understand and appreciate a Smart, but I don't want one. And don't you all dare call me a fence-sitter.

And a Smart used to make me go "WTF?!" - like everyone I know - but now that we've all seen Smarts on the road, after a while, they don't seem so nuts. As previous WTF?! posts have proved, there are wierder cars out there.

Like these cars pictured here, which are, you guessed it, Smarts. The old one - not the original, because believe it or not, they've been building Smarts since 1998. Anyway, someone decided that they simply weren't wierd enough, so these redesign kits were built, so you can make your car look like a squashed version of an infinitely better one. So I've done enough talking for this post - you can look at the pictures, the awful names they've been given, and laugh. And maybe let out a few WTFs yourself. Because they are truly spectacular.

WTF?! #7: This Post Has a Lot of Smarts

Which car is the real king of the 911 range? Is it the 911 Turbo? Is it the 911 GT2? Or is it this new GT3? I'll get back to this thought later. After all, I am meant to be introducing this brand spanking new GT3 to you...

I'm going to get the figures out of the way, how 'bout that? Traditionally (...) the GT3 is a naturally aspirated engine, and instead of taking the bog-standard (...) 3.6 flat six from the Carrera, it instead gets a tuned version of the new 3.8 litre flat six in the Carrera S, which now gets 320kW, but is still less powerful than the twin-turbocharged engines in the Turbo and GT2. Which is also a tradition, apparently.

So I could tell you that it goes from 0-100kmh in 4.1 seconds, and will blast you all the way to 310kmh, but according to Porsche, that's not really the point of the GT3. The point of the GT3 is to achieve the most perfect blend of chassis cornering ability and outright power - which I thought was the point of every 911, or at least the GT2, but I must have misunderstood something somewhere. It's all a bit confusing.

But what is clear is that the new GT3 will be a force to be reckoned with on the track - just to the prove this point to every customer, Porsche offers a complimentary racing course at Silverstone in Great Britain with every purchase of a GT3. And Porsche certainly have enough acronyms to back up their claims (because every sports car needs a bunch of acronyms to sound technologically advanced, it seems) - PSM, UHP, PCCB, VTS, PADM, just naming a few, and PASM, which is one little letter away from spasm. Imagine rattling off all them to your mate who thinks his Commodore Calais V is technologically advanced because it has ESC.

But what does all that mean? Not a whole lot really, they're just special Porsche names for regular things like brakes, steering, suspension, tyres and the like. They're all highly advanced versions of these common-place items, mind. Porsche will make sure that they're all as close to perfection as they can do, believe you me. Don't ever tell a Porsche engineer that the chassis on a 911 GT3 is average - they will summon an army of glasses-wearing scientists in white lab coats who will remove your internal organs and replace them with mechanical ones they've made themselves that are approximately 236.43% better.

And did I mention that the 911 GT3 has the most ridiculous and precarious rear spoiler I have ever seen?!

So where does the GT3 fit in? Is it the ultimate 911? It's not the fastest, because the GT2 takes that cake. But both the GT2 and GT3 are almost track-day specials in comparison to a 911 Turbo, which probably renders them irrelevant. So is the Turbo the real king, because it is just about as fast as it's race-car brothers? Or is it the GT2, with it's outright power? Or this new GT3, with better balance than a Russian gymnast, the real king?

I'm getting really annoyed. I want the number one 911, right here, right now. None of this "whatever suits your driving style" crap. I want the best Porsche can do. Period. Otherwise, any description of a new range-topping Porsche 911 will involve a lot of these - (...)

NEWS: Porsche 911 GT3 Wonders If It Should Be King

Seeing the new Lamborghini Gallardo LP560-4, recently delivered to the Italian police force, I laughed very hard, as we all did when we learnt about it. A tiny two-door coupe, with a 412kW V10 screamer of an engine, working as a police patrol car? The idea was fantastic, if absolutely ludicrous. But the idea of giving a police force a wacky or superfast police car is not a new idea, and has happened all over the world - with interesting results, I must say. So I thought I'd take you through the world of desirable (arguably, anyway) police cars. It is quite a fun trip, and certainly yields some unlikely results.

Believe it or not, Italy aren't the only country to have a Lamborghini Gallardo in its police force fleet. In South Africa, a Gallardo with a slightly underwhelming paint job rules the streets, especially imported from Italy. It is actually loaned to the police force by the importer. So why exactly did the South African police want a Lamborghini Gallardo in the fight against crime? As an "attention-getting device" to control traffic, or so they say. Good try, boys and girls. We all know you spend your time doing donuts in the station carpark.

But if we could get back to the Italians for a second, what do you think they drive when they don't drive their Gallardo? There is, after all, only one. Well, among their fleet, we also have some Smarts, for use in narrow Rome alleyways and streets. Can you imagine the pain of an Italian police officer going on duty? "I'll just take the Gallardo today, what do you reckon boss?" - "Oh sorry, I'll be out on the road in that today - you can have the Smart instead." Shot down!!!! By the time the smart reaches 100kmh from a standing start, the Gallardo is past 250 - it's that fast.

Naturally, the Germans have also taken this idea to a nutty new extreme, and produced a few police cars that can chase just about anything on the autobahn - like this Brabus CLS Rocket, a heavily tuned version of the Mercedes-Benz CLS. The Brabus CLS Rocket has a twin-turbo V12 sitting under the bonnet, with a mind-bending 544kW on tap. The Brabus CLS Rocket is actually the worlds fastest street-legal production sedan, with a top speed of 362.5kmh. Unbelievably.

In case those nutty krauts get bored with their monster of a CLS, they also have a TechArt tuned Porsche 911 Carrera S to chase down the bad guys. It will also do 300kmh, and a 0-100kmh sprint of just 4.5 seconds. What a shame the German police have too much integrity to have a drag between this and their Brabus CLS... now that I would pay to see. Ah, but TechArt swear that they've modified the 911 safely for community well-being, and all that jazz - you can tell they're just really lying by looking at the size of the alloy wheels!

But sometimes you just have to wonder about the practicality of these cars. I mean, in Bulgaria, they decided that a Porsche 911 Convertible would be perfect for the job. A convertible?!?! Why does it have to be convertible? Do the police officers really need to feel the wind in their short-shaven hair when they're pursuing a crook? Obviously in Bulgaria the union has demanded it. And what about the flashing lights? Where do they go now? Sometimes you wonder whether they really wanted to use them as proper police cars, or as public relations stunts.

In The Netherlands, they've gone even crazier in their quest for the ultimate police car. They've got a Spyker C8 Spyder, which is a convertible also (for some apparent reason), and has Lamborghini-like scissor doors. For chopping off the heads of criminals, I presume. Don't laugh, this is quite likely - remember that marijuana use is quite legal in The Netherlands, even encouraged. You can walk into a corner shop and get wonderful giant-sized hash lollipops for one euro each - true story. So that's why there is a Borat impersonator in the driver's seat with a Sale of the Century buzzer on his head.

In the US, the story is similar, although Americanised. Take this supercharged V8 Hummer H2, which stalks the streets of, you guessed it, Texas. And with it's 7.0 Litre engine producing 522 kilowatts of power, it's all fine and dandy by this County Sheriff. He's just loving it, isn't he?

And of course, the muscle cars. There are heaps of police muscle cars in the US - and it's a national culture that police cars simply have to be faster than everything else. So below, in order, we have a very beefy Dodge Magnum, which is all dressed up to run people over - what a shame the police don't do that either; we have a nice and welcoming Dodge Viper, demonstrating some famous southern hospitality; a Chevrolet Corvette with flame livery, because it's necessary to look cool; and of course, a Ford Mustang.

In China, they've taken a similar approach to the US - they also have a Hummer for their police department. Except, of course, because it is Chinese, it is a copy of a Hummer, and not the real thing. Is anyone else getting some Chery QQ deja vu, or is it just me? And if you're thinking that it looks very much like a military vehicle, then you're thinking exactly what I'm thinking - it's basically a big bad tractor, ready to eat all the left over Chinese children, I reckon. Alright, that was a low blow. But you have to admit, it certainly looks sinister - I would get very scared if one of these things appeared in my rearview mirror, anyway.

And next door, in Japan, they've decided that the best way to take on "fooli-sik" types in their Skyline GT-Rs is to, well, get a GT-R themselves. You know what they say: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. So that's exactly what the Japanese are doing. So now, every time I see a Skyline roar past me with bright blue underbody neon lights and an ear-splitting stereo, I'll wish that a Japanese GT-R was there to hunt it down. I mean, it even has a vertical plastic screen on the bonnet - aerodynamics perhaps?

These efforts tend to make the Australian police cars pale in comparison, although we have had a few interesting efforts over the years. An Alfa Romeo GT springs to mind, which is stylish, if not brutally fast, but really, you can't go past the Lotus Exige - and both cars lie in the Queensland Police Department! Ahh, those Queenslanders - something in the hot tropical air does it to them. Still, gotta admire their style.

So what would be your ultimate police car? What would you like to see? A British DBS? A Swedish Koenigsegg? Now that would probably kill more people than it'd save! Bad idea...

FEATURE STORY: Wacky and Fast Police Cars

Yes, it's been a long time since I've last posted - I took a break while I got my wisdom teeth yanked out, and living on tomato soup isn't exactly the ideal diet for the development of creative and witty automotive prose. Nevertheless, I will post the cars that will keep you at the height of your game should you indulge in buying a car in the sales rush before the year is out. Here are the dos and don'ts - kind of like my annual awards story. It's the Really Cool and Really Not Cool awards. Italian car-makers are well represented, as is Citroen, and Mazda walks away with the crucially important Real-World Family Car award. BMW has fared poorly, with no less than five "Really Not Cool" nominations, and other German makers (with the exception of Audi) are dusted around the other "Really Not Cool" awards and nominations. Oddly enough, this seems to be a reflection of the human populations in these two countries - in Italy, the ladies are like beautiful supermodels, whereas in Germany, you cannot tell the women apart from the men. Could the fact that German women are cosmetically challenged be the cause of a lack of inspiration amongst German designers?

"REALLY COOL SPORTS COUPE" Award 2008

Probably the only car that truly gobsmacked me not only when I first saw it, but the hundreds of times I've booted up my computer just to look at pictures of it. These few sentences are taking an age to write, just because it incapacitates my faculties and leaves my mouth gaping open. And yes, it must be in this "Infa Red" colour - the bodykit of the DBS was never my cup of tea, until I saw the car in this loud colour. I don't think I like the bazillion-dollar One-77 as much as I like this curvaceous beauty - I'm a straight guy, so I like curves. What else can I say?

Also Nominated:


Maserati GranTurismo S



"REALLY NOT COOL SPORTS COUPE" Award 2008
First of all, it's a Porsche. Second, how can anyone really believe that this isn't just a try-hard cut-price 911? It looks exactly like a 911, which is hardly at the cutting edge of design, but isn't as good. If you're going to be a wanker, you should at least have a car that is fast enough to smoke your aggressor's HSV GTS at the traffic lights. Can the Cayman even do that? Nope, the Holden will outpower the Porsche. Sad.

Also Nominated:


BMW Z4 Coupe




"REALLY COOL EXECUTIVE SEDAN" Award 2008
It sure isn't perfect, and I've always thought that the nose is ill-proportioned, but every time I see a 159 on the road, I'm convinced it deserves this award. What other executive sedan has the sheer road presence that this car has? Certainly nothing German does, although the Audi A4 comes close. This is a car that flatters the owner, because it insinuates that the driver has good fashion sense, is an automotive enthusiast, and probably has a spicy sex-life. But it's a sedan! Surely it doesn't get any better than that.

Also Nominated:


Audi A4




Citroen C5




"REALLY NOT COOL EXECUTIVE SEDAN" Award 2008
Is this car at all classy? Nope. It is as classy as tucking your business shirt into your (visible and above trouser-line) underpants. It screams "I wanna be an old-school socialite", if anything, and while the 159 is modern and probably timeless, this bubbly oddity loses it's sheen very quickly. Really, it doesn't deserve to have a leaping cat on the bonnet, but there you go - it sure does, unfortunately.


Also Nominated:


BMW 3-Series




Renault Laguna




"REALLY COOL LUXURY LIMOUSINE SEDAN" Award 2008Really, is this any surprise? The new Phantom is the last word in rich stylish transport. It's big, and square, and a face like a Mack truck, but it sure is cool. It infers that you are of as noble blood as all of the royal families in Europe, or you own all the royal families in Europe. It is truly brilliant in every single way, and I don't see why anyone with the need for a million-dollar luxury car buys anything else.


Also Nominated:


Maserati Quattroporte




Bentley Continental GT Flying Spur Speed (who needs a car with a 6 word name, though?)


"REALLY NOT COOL LUXURY LIMOUSINE SEDAN" Award 2008
Really, this involves all the Maybachs, because they all look cheap and anonymous and tacky, with paintjobs that are worse that your Ford Falcon. But this is just gross stupidity and snobbishness. Why on earth should you, a bazillionaire, get to ride in an open-topped limousine, while you're driver is in what is basically a black tinted box up the front? Are they not cool enough to soak up the sun's rays?


Also Nominated:


BMW 7-Series




It's just nice. That's how I would sum up the XC60. It is executed without flaw, yet it doesn't look bland or boring either. To be honest, it's one of the most classy luxury SUV out there - many other are vary garish and some are just rude. I wouldn't say this SUV is offensive in any way - on the contrary, it's rather likeable. It only seats five, but hey, for those who appreciate the high driving position and practicality of an SUV, this one is just perfect.

Also Nominated:


Mazda CX-9




"REALLY NOT COOL SUV" Award 2008
There will be somewhere in the world where the Hummer H3 is cool. Somewhere in America. For the rest of the world, it is gross stupidity and ignorance of a growing environmental problem, and a statement of American excess. And that is not cool at all. I really was thinking about putting the Porsche Cayenne up here, because it is hideously ugly also, but it does serve another purpose - it is (somewhat) a performance car. The H3 is a statement of idiocy.

Also Nominated: (here we go...!)


Porsche Cayenne (Close 2nd)




BMW X6




BMW X3




Mercedes-Benz GLK-Class




Ssangyong Actyon




Ssangyong Kyron




Subaru Tribeca




"REALLY COOL FASHION ACCESSORY" Award 2008I've raved about this little car here before, and I won't go into too much of that now, but the 500 manages to balance retro good looks, with a kind of European class that is missing from other fashion accessory cars. And then it's cute, too. Great! And you can make this car to be exactly as you'd like, so it will suit your fashion personality - not my thing, but I can tell that some others will be grateful for this. Bizarrely. I still really like this car. If I was an old pensioner, with little long-distance driving to do (mostly city stuff), I have no doubt in my mind that I would buy this car. Because it would put a smile on my wrinkled and aged face.

Also Nominated:


Mini Cooper




"REALLY UNCOOL FASHION ACCESSORY" Award 2008
I'm sorry, but I don't get this car. You would have to be living in a bubble to think that other people thought you looked funky or cool driving it. But then again, being inside a Beetle is living inside a bubble. The main irk I have with this car is that it doesn't have any substance to back up those superficial looks. I don't have any reason to love it - some women who must be taking hallucinogenic drugs will disagree, but that doesn't stop them looking uncool to the rest of the world living outside her pink bubble.

Also Nominated:


Smart ForTwo




"REALLY COOL REAL-WORLD FAMILY CAR" Award 2008
I think this car seems to have a positive outlook on life - I mean, look at it, you can't help but feel optimistic when it looks at you like that. But the design is so smooth, yet so characterful, that it puts all but the highest of Italian supermodels (the 159 of course) to shame. And it is available in what is probably the most intoxicatingly loveable light blue (which sadly isn't pictured) I have ever seen on a car. I sound decidedly female saying that, but there you go. It also happens to be the perfect family car - not too big, but roomy enough for a family of five. I don't understand why people buy Falcons and Commodores actually - why don't they buy one of these?

Also Nominated:


Citroen C4




Fiat Ritmo



"REALLY NOT COOL REAL-WORLD FAMILY CAR" Award 2008
Oh god, why would anyone feel the need to buy this? It looks awful! And it's American, very American. Shoddy quality, plastics that feel like a child's lunchbox, and an inability to function properly as a car. Not to mention that it actually looks worse in real life than it does in the pictures. I don't want to talk more about the Sebring - it makes me feel ill thinking about it.


Also Nominated:


Kia Magentis




Toyota Camry

FEATURE STORY: The Really Cool (and not) Cars of 2008