This is a very gender-orientated story, people. Small cars, for a long time now, have been targeted at females. And it's quite smart, on the part of a car maker. Think about it. What do young women use as their first car? Usually, it's a girly little Hyundai, or some other little bubblebox. What do young men use as their first car? Most of the time, it's a run-down Nissan 200SX or Skyline (with a customary barrel-sized exhaust system scraping the bitumen) - otherwise it's a Commodore or Falcon of at least ten years vintage. The ten year vintage thing is to make sure the car is "fully sick"... mate. Yeah sure, these are generalisations, but simple fact is - women buy small cars, men don't.

Some men won't be seen for dead in their wife's chirpy little Toyota Echo, because everyone who sees him, immediately, whether consciously or unconsciously, questions his man-hood. But IN YOUR FACE is here to help. In an age where fuel is more precious than children, small affordable cars have hit a sales boom. So when people who are used to buying Commodores or Falcons for their next car are suddenly faced with the oodles of choice presented in the small car market, it can all get a bit confusing. This story sorts out the chick-cars from the ones that you won't need a vasectomy to own. Here are the contenders in alphabetical order:

CITROEN C3
Citroen makes a big deal about the fact that it was voted "Most Beautiful Small Car in the World" - but it was an irrelevant poll from Italy in 2003. Far more beautiful cars have arrived since - this one is just a bubble. For your information, C3 is ambitiously markete as "all beauty, part beast" - cue some raised eyebrows. In grey, it stands a better chance than it does than in, well, baby-blue for example, but this is undeniably a girly-girl car.

Women? -- "Ooh! How cute!"
Men? -- "Uh... not for me."

FIAT PUNTO
Somehow manages to look fairly neutral. Yes, the headlights can look a little bit feminine, especially with such a circular shape, but the overall shape of the car is that of one that appeals to both men and women. The waistline is well defined, sharply cut, and the window-height vertical rear lights, unlike some competitors, look really quite sporty. It doesn't even seem to come in an obviously girly colour, so boys, you can't really lose. It's a nice car. Especially the Abarth.

Women? -- "Hello, my Italian stallion!"
Men? -- "Yeah, alright, why not?"

FORD FIESTA
Ford says the Fiesta says "Go on, be bold!" ...It's the only car in its class that not only talks, but gives you encouraging comments. Some cars were just meant to be driven by women. The Fiesta is definitely a good-looking car, but the bubbly design yet again makes it embarassing for men to drive. The interior centre console was based on a mobile phone, for goodness sake. The maroon colour of this example is the nail in the coffin. The old XR4 would have been fine, but this... sorry.

Women? -- "Funky and chic!"
Men? -- "Thanks, but no thanks."

HOLDEN BARINA
The Holden Barina used to be a fine little chick's car. Until Holden started sourcing them from Korea, and sold a rebadged Daewoo Kalos. Euuugh. It really is a cheap little piece of shite. Regardless of whether you're a guy or gal, you must have lost the will to live if you have decided to buy a Holden Barina. Not recommended for anyone - just look for some ANCAP crash test pictures if you don't believe me.

Women? -- "Well, it's cheap..."
Men? -- "Aargh! Get it away from me!!!"

HONDA JAZZ
Another one for the lipstick brigade. To blame here are the tall, thin proportions - a sporty, male car is always somewhat squat, like it has attitude. This has a face like a rabbit, and although rabbits are fluffy and cute, it doesn't mean that a bloke wants their car to look like one. Even the VTi-S doesn't have any cred - the bodykit makes it look like a joke on wheels, not a track weapon.

Women? -- "Fashionable and cool."
Men? -- "As long as I'm not driving it."

HYUNDAI GETZ
I can't think of any Hyundai that doesn't make you look like you've had a "snip-snip" operation. They're fine, I guess, but only for girls. The Getz is no exception. With that smiley face, it will only win female friends. Even the name tells you it's a chick's car. I suppose it would be rather good value, but it doesn't look remotely sporty in any way, and therefore, doesn't give any reason for us manly men to like it.

Women? -- "Nice little runaround."
Men? -- "[Yawn..!]"

KIA RIO
Rio de Janiero might be a cool place to holiday, but the car ain't such an amazing place to be. Kia says that it's Rio "redefines the term 'entry-level'". Well, it seems that 'entry-level' has a new definition - bland, boring, but cheap. It looks a lot cheaper than just about any other car here, excluding the Barina. Kia is seemingly incapable of creating interesting cars, and that trait is definitely on display here.

Women? -- "Hmmm."
Men? -- "Wake me up when the footy game starts..."

MAZDA2
This is, also, a stunning looking car. But it is a female car, and that really is a shame because it's so well proprotioned. Even in top-spec Genki (sounds like an foot fungus or something, doesn't it?) form (pictured), with a bodykit that actually looks good (note to Honda), the Mazda2 still fails to look anything but friendly and smiley - and that is its downfall. It's probably overall one of the best cars here, but that's not what were investigating.

Men? -- "Perhaps not for me."
Women? -- "Wow. I love it!"

MITSUBISHI COLT
Another boring little white-good, from a manufacturer that doesn't seem to have any spirited products at the moment - how hard can it possibly be to make an interesting car? This car has simply copied its competitors, like the Honda Jazz and Mazda2, and doesn't add anything new to the segment. The design of it makes the wheels look even tinier than they actually are, which doesn't do it any favours.

Women? -- "It's okay, I guess..."
Men? -- "Yeah, move on..."

NISSAN MICRA
Yes, it comes in pink. And yes, you will look ridiculous driving it, regardless of whether you are male or female. I'm a believer that the driver is as intelligent as their car, and in this case, you would have to be pretty dopey - this is one dopey looking car. Under "Key Features", what do you think Nissan have listed as the first two dot points? "Bold and distinctive styling" and "Range of funky colours" - which says it all.

Women? -- "Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod!!! It's PINK!!!"
Men? -- "Get that... thing away from me!"

PEUGEOT 207
Another wannabe cool city car, until... you realise that you bought the GTi (pictured). It makes a chick's car sporty enough for a guy to get away with it. Don't stress about the looks, they work much better in real life than they do in pictures (like all Peugeots), particularly in a really bright colour, like green. If you are as extroverted as this car, I think you can handle green paint.

Women? -- "Can we get one, can we get one? Puurrleeeze?"

Men? -- "Just as long as it is the GTi, honey."

PROTON GEN-2
Well, at least Proton tried. Hey, you gotta appreciate the fact the Proton, at the very least, made a decent looking car. That's enough reason for celebration, when it comes to a maker like Proton. Yet the interior is crapola (who needs a glovebox? You sure aren't getting one!), and it's not exactly packed with standard features like a Hyundai - so it doesn't exactly represent value for money. Why bother? P.S - when was Gen-1?

Women? -- "I've never heard of Proton..."
Men? -- "Really? You must be one of the lucky ones..."

RENAULT CLIO
A tame, nice looking little hatchback that transforms with the addition of one, very manly word at the end of its name. Sport. Yes, the regular Clio might be women-only, but in Sport guise (pictured), the Clio has just enough aggro to make it desirable. It's a ripper of a thing, and deserves respect. It'll really be a match for your cocky mate's V8 Monaro, anyway. Honest.

Women? -- "This Clio looks nice."
Men? -- "Ah yes, but we're, uh... sporty people, so we should buy the one that says 'Sport'. It'll suit me better. I mean us. I said us, didn't I?"

SUZUKI SWIFT
Girls just absolutely love this car - have you ever seen a guy driving one of these? Again, we're in better luck if the car is named 'Sport' (pictured). It's not fast, by any means (92kW...!) - at least not like the Clio - but then again, it is an inexpensive way (23,990) of getting a man to drive a small car. And it has four doors, unlike the frenchies. It has a sort of boyish go-kart look about it, which works just fine for the blokes.

Women? -- "The Swift seems like a good choice, what do you think, darling?"
Men? -- "Remember the 'Sport'... always remember the 'Sport'..."

TOYOTA YARIS
Toyota has a habit of making cars that are okay at just about everything, but great at nothing, and as boring as stale bread. The Yaris has been described as the only current car able to break the blandness - the "anti-Toyota" Toyota. Yet, there's a difference between 'not bland', and 'good looking'. The Toyota still looks like a stunned mouse caught in cartoon. Buying a Toyota is like signing a death sentence - you're stuck with the boring thing for ages because it doesn't break down. Ever.

Women? -- "Toyota Yaris is an interesting little thing, isn't it?"
Men? -- "I'd rather watch grass grow."

VOLKSWAGEN POLO
Try not to say the name "Poelow" please - save us your upper class accents. This isn't really an upper class car. It's a characterless little thing, but will do the job. You might get away with it if it's a GTI (pictured), but frankly, it doesn't really look that sporty either. The only thing that might make it look a bit sporty is that it has a black nose which resembles a koala. Koalas are very sporty creatures aren't they? Cute little fluffy things...

Women? -- "The Polo will be a good buy, I think."
Men? -- "Do we have to? Oh well, you're the boss... GTI, GTI, GTI..."

So what are the findings? It seems that women have oodles of quite good choice, provided they go for something from either Europe or Japan. Blokes? Well, you can't go too wrong as long as the car's got a 'Sport' or 'GTI' badge. Then again, these often only have two doors, and there's a practicality issue in that. The solution? A Suzuki Swift Sport, or a Fiat Punto. The Fiat, although a bread-and-butter-type car in Italy, will be rather exotic here in down-under, but the Suzuki has some boyish charm, and represents better value for money. Either way, just by thinking about what suits both sexes, we've narrowed down a market segment of about 80 different model variants into just a couple of cars. And aside from all this superficial madness, they're both fantastic cars underneath.

Environmentalism doesn't have to start with crazy petrol/electric hybrid cars - Australia just needs to lose its "big sedan" culture, because it's ruining the environment, and burning a big hole in our wallets. Until Ford and Holden realise they need to think about how much fuel their cars use, both men and women need to get into small cars - but sadly, at the moment, half the population is being left out by default. Actually, the responsibility to promote more eco-friendly small cars is on both automotive companies and consumers.

It's time to save the world, and buy small cars men can own.

FEATURE STORY: Which Small Cars can a Man Drive with Dignity?