Have you ever paused for a moment to think "What would it be like to have [insert rich celebrity or politician here]'s life, and be able to drive their cars?"

No, you probably haven't. But I have, and the last time I did that, I decided that a new blog segment will be born. It's called "Jealousy", simply because I am jealous of the people I feature in this segment - the first up is the Queen of England. Yes, she's old and probably should just die and leave us all alone, but I really do wish I was in her will just so I could pick up one of her luxurious cars. Just one, Mrs. Queen, please - that's all I ask. In return, you can get me to paint a picture of you that makes you look like Jessica Alba, rather than the tired old granny Rolf Harris painted you as.

When you think about the British Royals, the first thing that comes to mind is Rolls-Royces. And aren't they just divine. The oldest Rolls is actually one that the Queen herself bought, before she was handed the throne, and it became a State car after her coronation - it was a Phantom IV. Anyone who knows about Rolls-Royces will nod in solemn agreement when I say that it was one super rare car. Only 18 were built, so there you go - it still breathes in the royal garages. There are, of course, other Rollers - a Phantom V, and two Phantom VIs, of which a Silver Jubilee model (pictured) which was presented to her majesty by the British Motor Industry on that occasion. It's hard to tell who when and why bought what, because, as snobby British people do, they don't tell you.

A quirk of the Royal cars is that the Queen does not use the Spirit of Ecstasy (the pretty girl with wings and boobs that bends over on the bonnet of every Rolls-Royce) for her principal car. On the Phantom IV she first bought in 1950, she stuck a little metal sculpture of "St. George slaying the dragon" on the bonnet instead. Yeah... whatever. I liked the other chick better. Maybe Lizzy saw her as competition and said to her guard: "off with her head!" - how do we know? Georgie stabbing the giant lizard can be transferred to any car the Queen likes, so that the principal car of the time wears the odd sculpture.

Although it wasn't always the Rolls-Royce that was the headline act. The first ever royal car, bought long before little Lizzy was ever even conceived was... wait for it... a Renault. A 1906 Renault XB (14-20 HP) was, according to Edward VII, "royally smashing" - so he bought one, and then grumbled a lot when it broke down so regularly. It was a Renault, what did he expect? Not much has really changed, has it...

Other than that, there have been more spectacular ventures, like the 1934 McLaughlin-Buick that Edward VIII fell in love with. It has since been named "most romantic car in the world", and Edward's example sold in New York 2007 for $185,000 at auction. Which is, of course, a steal.

But more commonly, the British Royal Family bought Daimlers. They have three Daimler DS420 limousines, one of which was owned by the Queen Mother (who also has a statuette mascot, the "Britannia"), and they're, well, they look pretty similar to everything else really - really... regal. Except perhaps a touch girlier. They were used as their "everyday" drives. If you can get used to a car that is six metres long for your everyday drive. Plenty of room for the corgis then.

But for her Majesty's Golden Jubilee, the British Motor Industry outdid themselves. Bentley designed a limousine, just for the Queen of England. It's called the Bentley State Limousine, and it's heavily modified from a Bentley Arnage R platform - only two were built, just for the royals. This makes the State Limousine rarer than Lizzy's Phantom IV. This car has been given not just the security once over, but the security umpteen times over - it features armor-plated cladding, a mine-resistant floor, bazooka-proof glass (...!), and a cabin that can be sealed against a gas attack (no Zyklon B neo-nazi terrorist are going to kill this Queen). All this does make a car very heavy, and at 4 tonnes, the Queen isn't going anywhere in a hurry. I also have a rare picture of the interior for your enjoyment, complete with the driving gloves and hat of the driver.

Still, I can't help hating the Queen for all her luxury, her breeding, and the way she seems to get everything for free (what a scab). I know what it's called, this feeling burning up inside me. It's called JEALOUSY.

... and I also wish that Jessica Alba was the Queen of England. Even though she's not English.

JEALOUSY #1: God Save Our Gracious... Cars