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YOUR CAR IN BRIEF: Index

In Your Face is about to become properly informative on just about every car in the Australian Market.

It's called Your Car In Brief, and it will feature hyperlinks to brief summaries of each individual car on the Australian Market, with pictures, in case you've forgotten what it looks like. So for a while there will be an influx of short posts on individual cars that you may not find as interesting as my regular material. But once the database is settled and updated, you will have a research tool always on hand to find out everything you need about your next car.

For now, I will only write about models that are reasonably new, but eventually, as the the new car model cycle progresses, there will be articles about every car. So when you want to know about a car, go to Your Car In Brief, which will soon become a link on the sidebar.

You can still comment on Your Car In Brief articles, and I look forward to seeing your responses.

"In Your Face" To Become An Information Station

Yes, it's been a long time since I've last posted - I took a break while I got my wisdom teeth yanked out, and living on tomato soup isn't exactly the ideal diet for the development of creative and witty automotive prose. Nevertheless, I will post the cars that will keep you at the height of your game should you indulge in buying a car in the sales rush before the year is out. Here are the dos and don'ts - kind of like my annual awards story. It's the Really Cool and Really Not Cool awards. Italian car-makers are well represented, as is Citroen, and Mazda walks away with the crucially important Real-World Family Car award. BMW has fared poorly, with no less than five "Really Not Cool" nominations, and other German makers (with the exception of Audi) are dusted around the other "Really Not Cool" awards and nominations. Oddly enough, this seems to be a reflection of the human populations in these two countries - in Italy, the ladies are like beautiful supermodels, whereas in Germany, you cannot tell the women apart from the men. Could the fact that German women are cosmetically challenged be the cause of a lack of inspiration amongst German designers?

"REALLY COOL SPORTS COUPE" Award 2008

Probably the only car that truly gobsmacked me not only when I first saw it, but the hundreds of times I've booted up my computer just to look at pictures of it. These few sentences are taking an age to write, just because it incapacitates my faculties and leaves my mouth gaping open. And yes, it must be in this "Infa Red" colour - the bodykit of the DBS was never my cup of tea, until I saw the car in this loud colour. I don't think I like the bazillion-dollar One-77 as much as I like this curvaceous beauty - I'm a straight guy, so I like curves. What else can I say?

Also Nominated:


Maserati GranTurismo S



"REALLY NOT COOL SPORTS COUPE" Award 2008
First of all, it's a Porsche. Second, how can anyone really believe that this isn't just a try-hard cut-price 911? It looks exactly like a 911, which is hardly at the cutting edge of design, but isn't as good. If you're going to be a wanker, you should at least have a car that is fast enough to smoke your aggressor's HSV GTS at the traffic lights. Can the Cayman even do that? Nope, the Holden will outpower the Porsche. Sad.

Also Nominated:


BMW Z4 Coupe




"REALLY COOL EXECUTIVE SEDAN" Award 2008
It sure isn't perfect, and I've always thought that the nose is ill-proportioned, but every time I see a 159 on the road, I'm convinced it deserves this award. What other executive sedan has the sheer road presence that this car has? Certainly nothing German does, although the Audi A4 comes close. This is a car that flatters the owner, because it insinuates that the driver has good fashion sense, is an automotive enthusiast, and probably has a spicy sex-life. But it's a sedan! Surely it doesn't get any better than that.

Also Nominated:


Audi A4




Citroen C5




"REALLY NOT COOL EXECUTIVE SEDAN" Award 2008
Is this car at all classy? Nope. It is as classy as tucking your business shirt into your (visible and above trouser-line) underpants. It screams "I wanna be an old-school socialite", if anything, and while the 159 is modern and probably timeless, this bubbly oddity loses it's sheen very quickly. Really, it doesn't deserve to have a leaping cat on the bonnet, but there you go - it sure does, unfortunately.


Also Nominated:


BMW 3-Series




Renault Laguna




"REALLY COOL LUXURY LIMOUSINE SEDAN" Award 2008Really, is this any surprise? The new Phantom is the last word in rich stylish transport. It's big, and square, and a face like a Mack truck, but it sure is cool. It infers that you are of as noble blood as all of the royal families in Europe, or you own all the royal families in Europe. It is truly brilliant in every single way, and I don't see why anyone with the need for a million-dollar luxury car buys anything else.


Also Nominated:


Maserati Quattroporte




Bentley Continental GT Flying Spur Speed (who needs a car with a 6 word name, though?)


"REALLY NOT COOL LUXURY LIMOUSINE SEDAN" Award 2008
Really, this involves all the Maybachs, because they all look cheap and anonymous and tacky, with paintjobs that are worse that your Ford Falcon. But this is just gross stupidity and snobbishness. Why on earth should you, a bazillionaire, get to ride in an open-topped limousine, while you're driver is in what is basically a black tinted box up the front? Are they not cool enough to soak up the sun's rays?


Also Nominated:


BMW 7-Series




It's just nice. That's how I would sum up the XC60. It is executed without flaw, yet it doesn't look bland or boring either. To be honest, it's one of the most classy luxury SUV out there - many other are vary garish and some are just rude. I wouldn't say this SUV is offensive in any way - on the contrary, it's rather likeable. It only seats five, but hey, for those who appreciate the high driving position and practicality of an SUV, this one is just perfect.

Also Nominated:


Mazda CX-9




"REALLY NOT COOL SUV" Award 2008
There will be somewhere in the world where the Hummer H3 is cool. Somewhere in America. For the rest of the world, it is gross stupidity and ignorance of a growing environmental problem, and a statement of American excess. And that is not cool at all. I really was thinking about putting the Porsche Cayenne up here, because it is hideously ugly also, but it does serve another purpose - it is (somewhat) a performance car. The H3 is a statement of idiocy.

Also Nominated: (here we go...!)


Porsche Cayenne (Close 2nd)




BMW X6




BMW X3




Mercedes-Benz GLK-Class




Ssangyong Actyon




Ssangyong Kyron




Subaru Tribeca




"REALLY COOL FASHION ACCESSORY" Award 2008I've raved about this little car here before, and I won't go into too much of that now, but the 500 manages to balance retro good looks, with a kind of European class that is missing from other fashion accessory cars. And then it's cute, too. Great! And you can make this car to be exactly as you'd like, so it will suit your fashion personality - not my thing, but I can tell that some others will be grateful for this. Bizarrely. I still really like this car. If I was an old pensioner, with little long-distance driving to do (mostly city stuff), I have no doubt in my mind that I would buy this car. Because it would put a smile on my wrinkled and aged face.

Also Nominated:


Mini Cooper




"REALLY UNCOOL FASHION ACCESSORY" Award 2008
I'm sorry, but I don't get this car. You would have to be living in a bubble to think that other people thought you looked funky or cool driving it. But then again, being inside a Beetle is living inside a bubble. The main irk I have with this car is that it doesn't have any substance to back up those superficial looks. I don't have any reason to love it - some women who must be taking hallucinogenic drugs will disagree, but that doesn't stop them looking uncool to the rest of the world living outside her pink bubble.

Also Nominated:


Smart ForTwo




"REALLY COOL REAL-WORLD FAMILY CAR" Award 2008
I think this car seems to have a positive outlook on life - I mean, look at it, you can't help but feel optimistic when it looks at you like that. But the design is so smooth, yet so characterful, that it puts all but the highest of Italian supermodels (the 159 of course) to shame. And it is available in what is probably the most intoxicatingly loveable light blue (which sadly isn't pictured) I have ever seen on a car. I sound decidedly female saying that, but there you go. It also happens to be the perfect family car - not too big, but roomy enough for a family of five. I don't understand why people buy Falcons and Commodores actually - why don't they buy one of these?

Also Nominated:


Citroen C4




Fiat Ritmo



"REALLY NOT COOL REAL-WORLD FAMILY CAR" Award 2008
Oh god, why would anyone feel the need to buy this? It looks awful! And it's American, very American. Shoddy quality, plastics that feel like a child's lunchbox, and an inability to function properly as a car. Not to mention that it actually looks worse in real life than it does in the pictures. I don't want to talk more about the Sebring - it makes me feel ill thinking about it.


Also Nominated:


Kia Magentis




Toyota Camry

FEATURE STORY: The Really Cool (and not) Cars of 2008

Have you ever paused for a moment to think "What would it be like to have [insert rich celebrity or politician here]'s life, and be able to drive their cars?"

No, you probably haven't. But I have, and the last time I did that, I decided that a new blog segment will be born. It's called "Jealousy", simply because I am jealous of the people I feature in this segment - the first up is the Queen of England. Yes, she's old and probably should just die and leave us all alone, but I really do wish I was in her will just so I could pick up one of her luxurious cars. Just one, Mrs. Queen, please - that's all I ask. In return, you can get me to paint a picture of you that makes you look like Jessica Alba, rather than the tired old granny Rolf Harris painted you as.

When you think about the British Royals, the first thing that comes to mind is Rolls-Royces. And aren't they just divine. The oldest Rolls is actually one that the Queen herself bought, before she was handed the throne, and it became a State car after her coronation - it was a Phantom IV. Anyone who knows about Rolls-Royces will nod in solemn agreement when I say that it was one super rare car. Only 18 were built, so there you go - it still breathes in the royal garages. There are, of course, other Rollers - a Phantom V, and two Phantom VIs, of which a Silver Jubilee model (pictured) which was presented to her majesty by the British Motor Industry on that occasion. It's hard to tell who when and why bought what, because, as snobby British people do, they don't tell you.

A quirk of the Royal cars is that the Queen does not use the Spirit of Ecstasy (the pretty girl with wings and boobs that bends over on the bonnet of every Rolls-Royce) for her principal car. On the Phantom IV she first bought in 1950, she stuck a little metal sculpture of "St. George slaying the dragon" on the bonnet instead. Yeah... whatever. I liked the other chick better. Maybe Lizzy saw her as competition and said to her guard: "off with her head!" - how do we know? Georgie stabbing the giant lizard can be transferred to any car the Queen likes, so that the principal car of the time wears the odd sculpture.

Although it wasn't always the Rolls-Royce that was the headline act. The first ever royal car, bought long before little Lizzy was ever even conceived was... wait for it... a Renault. A 1906 Renault XB (14-20 HP) was, according to Edward VII, "royally smashing" - so he bought one, and then grumbled a lot when it broke down so regularly. It was a Renault, what did he expect? Not much has really changed, has it...

Other than that, there have been more spectacular ventures, like the 1934 McLaughlin-Buick that Edward VIII fell in love with. It has since been named "most romantic car in the world", and Edward's example sold in New York 2007 for $185,000 at auction. Which is, of course, a steal.

But more commonly, the British Royal Family bought Daimlers. They have three Daimler DS420 limousines, one of which was owned by the Queen Mother (who also has a statuette mascot, the "Britannia"), and they're, well, they look pretty similar to everything else really - really... regal. Except perhaps a touch girlier. They were used as their "everyday" drives. If you can get used to a car that is six metres long for your everyday drive. Plenty of room for the corgis then.

But for her Majesty's Golden Jubilee, the British Motor Industry outdid themselves. Bentley designed a limousine, just for the Queen of England. It's called the Bentley State Limousine, and it's heavily modified from a Bentley Arnage R platform - only two were built, just for the royals. This makes the State Limousine rarer than Lizzy's Phantom IV. This car has been given not just the security once over, but the security umpteen times over - it features armor-plated cladding, a mine-resistant floor, bazooka-proof glass (...!), and a cabin that can be sealed against a gas attack (no Zyklon B neo-nazi terrorist are going to kill this Queen). All this does make a car very heavy, and at 4 tonnes, the Queen isn't going anywhere in a hurry. I also have a rare picture of the interior for your enjoyment, complete with the driving gloves and hat of the driver.

Still, I can't help hating the Queen for all her luxury, her breeding, and the way she seems to get everything for free (what a scab). I know what it's called, this feeling burning up inside me. It's called JEALOUSY.

... and I also wish that Jessica Alba was the Queen of England. Even though she's not English.

JEALOUSY #1: God Save Our Gracious... Cars