Retro is, apparently "tres cool, daahling" - just the thing to look trendy this fashion season. You'd be surprised how much retro stuff fill our lives, from those bright red bubble shaped retro toasters to, you guessed it, cars. There is a very obvious attraction to a retro-styled car, after all, I've just said it - style. Retro cars range from $23,000 AUD city runabouts to elite sports cars with six figure price tags. Yet a common critisism of retro cars are that they are all style, and no substance to live with every day. Everyone figures that retro cars are expensive, pathetic value for money... and besides, you'll probably tire of the way it looks by tomorrow, won't you? But is the news really that bad for retro cars, or are they really just for the type of people who buy a specific outfit for their MySpace photo? Check out my reviews, with special guest opinions from the Fashion Police and Mr. Sensible, so we have a balanced investigation.

This is a real oddball of a car. Is it meant to be a practical family hatch? I don't think so - it isn't wide enough to fit three people comfortably in the back. Is it just meant to be stylish? It is too lardy and awkward to be considered "chic" by fashion gurus. It's not even good value (you can get a Mondeo or Mazda6 for this kind of moolah), so why buy this car? The appeal would have to be in the 30's hot rod styling, surely? Well, it's not my cup of tea, but it could suit someone out there. But the whole point of a retro car is that it makes you feel special - different, extrovert, and better than the average joe driving a silver Toyota Camry. This interior would not make me feel special - the average 90's American car interior, full of dull grey plastic that would probably fall apart if you so much as touched it.

Fashion Police? - "I would fine you for giving retro a bad name."
Mr. Sensible? - "There are better ways to spend 35K, that's for sure."


The sheer amount of detail that has gone into this car is truly astonishing. Whether it comes down to the glossy dash materials, circular headrests that mimic the front headlights, or the bazillions of interior colour combinations, a Fiat 500 is well and truly customised enough to make you feel special. There are 19 different sticker kits, the key cover comes in 9 different colours, there are 15 different types of seat upholstery, 9 different steering wheel covers, and, wait for it, 3 types of fragrance diffusers. Wow. And looking through the brochure at all the different exterior colours available, you feel like you are looking at a packet of skittles - there are no less than 12 colours. You sure aren't likely to be wearing the same clothes as someone else (I mean, driving the same car as someone else), because there are a grand total of 549,936 variants of the Fiat 500. Oh, snap.

Fiat has also thought about environmentally conscious fashonistas (the kind that throw paint on fur coats) because the 1.3 litre diesel 500 is the most economical car in Australia. Take that, Toyota Prius! It is also the first car under 3.6 metres in length to achieve a 5-Star NCAP safety rating. It is undoubtedly irresistable - but all this does come at a price. It starts at $23,000 for a 1.2 litre, 3.55 metre long two door car. Optioning it up only elevates the price further. You could easily spend up to 40 grand if you're not careful. I'm serious! But let's put it into perspective - if you're at all fashion conscious enough to think about 549,936 different variants of one car, then only the most stylish car will do. In that respect, there is no price for style. But even the Smart ForTwo is priced comparitively to the 500, yet I would say there is far more substance on offer with the Fiat. And what about the Mini? It's probably the only car that in comparison to the Fiat 500 looks overpriced.

Fashion Police? - "Fiat 500 for Prime Minister!"
Mr. Sensible? - "The numbers don't add up. What about the family? Where will they fit?"


I suppose I could have also talked about the XJ, but the X-Type is more obviously trying to chip into the retro market. Except it just looks old - and now that Jaguar wants to be modern again, they're trying to make it retro, but edgy and high-tech... it's just a confused car. You wouldn't even buy it for "Jaguar Quality" either - have you heard the nightmare stories that turn up time and time again from X-Type owners? It's meant to capture the gracefulness of Jaguars of old, with lots of woodgrain, and animal skins adorning the seats etc., but the gracefulness of a Jaguar just doesn't translate to a car that is only just longer than a Honda Civic. It was a dumb idea.

Fashion Police? - "Soooooo last century."
Mr. Sensible? - "It's not going to be reliable - it's a lemon."


Ah, what fun this car looks. And it is, thankfully. Fun I mean. The driving dynamics of such a pint-sized car are always going to be memorable, but the Mini just gets better, the more power you can shove into the bonnet. In that way, it is more of the enthusiasts choice than the 500, even though the Mini is marketed at people who can't drive very well. The interior, unlike the 500, is a little tacky - mostly black with lots of fake metal. It just looks plasticky and low rent. But it must be bought with stripes. There is simply no question about that - it looks bare and empty without them. But I digress. The Cooper hatchback is quite cool, in a boyish, go-kart sort of way, but other Mini variants are anything but.

Let me start with the convertible - it's odd, and loses the sporty stance of the hatch. So where is the appeal now? In the fact that you can soak up the sun in a car little bigger than any Matchbox (TM...) equivalent. Great. But the Clubman.... what a travesty. It might be okay in a country that drives on the right hand side of the road, but in Australia, it's useless. The extra door is on the WRONG side! Because, you know, we all load up the car from the side of the car that faces the road. And what, may I ask, is the point of having a barn-doors tailgate on a Mini? Stupid, just stupid. A real Mini is nice. The pretenders (Clubman, Cabrio) are worse than head lice. And you don't even want to know how expensive they are.

Fashion Police? - "Hatch, right this way. Clubman, Cabrio - you ain't going anywhere."
Mr. Sensible? - "This thing costs how much?!?!?!"


This is probably the easiest way to look like an eccentric nutter. Let's face it, why on earth would you buy a new car that is exactly like something from eighty years ago unless you were mentally deranged? The Aero 8 (pictured) is cross-eyed, and the 4/4 is made of wood. I thought this was meant to be the 21st century? I suppose it would be one helluva mid-life crisis car, but you certainly need some serious personality to pull these cars off. And if you thought a Mini was impractical, it starts to look like a Toyota Tarago in comparison to a Morgan. And if all that wasn't enough, it costs in excess of a hundred grand. What a waste of money - if you are genuinely interested in art deco era cars, actually buy something from that era, not some fake modern try-hard with no motoring history behind it.

Fashion Police? - ".....?.....!"
Mr. Sensible? - "Are you serious? A roof is an optional extra?!?!"


Probably the only car in the world that still looks exactly the same after five generations and 44 years. Check out the whopping differences between the original sixties model and the current one (both pictured). But that's not to say that the current Porsche 911 is outdated - it is still the top of its field for driving dynamics, and is the benchmark from which everything else is judged. But all that doesn't stop the 911 from being well and truly behind in the style stakes. After all, it competes with the Maserati GT (the car in my blog's header) and the Aston Martin Vantage. And there is one overwhelming factor that turns me off buying one - just about every 911 owner is an absolute tosser. I'm not joking - if you know a 911 driver, chances are, you also think they're a bit of a dick with more money than brains. Still don't believe me? I'll prove it - Charlie Cox of Top Gear Australia absolutely loves them. Told you.

Fashion Police? - "Retro for retro-sake is not cool."
Mr. Sensible? - "What about all the CO2 emissions? And the petrol money?"


Something is seriously wrong when you have a car that has a flower vase built into the dash. Probably only the Nissan Micra Convertible is more embarassing (but that's all subjective I guess). Let's face it, no real man would go out with a girl who drives a Beetle. So in this way, a New Beetle is embarassing to the owner, it is embarassing to the owner's friends, and casts aspersions on the intelligence of the owner's family. Remember: the person is only as intelligent as the car they buy. This... is an expensive joke - so unless you consider yourself an expensive joke, this isn't the car for you. And if you like your fashion new and fresh, this doesn't present a good case - it's been around since 1998. So why do they still call it the New Beetle? Beats me.

Tell you what, get a restored original Beetle - they're even cooler, and if you want a Beetle, you obviously won't care about the practicality issues.

Fashion Police? - "That's a $200 dollar fine for 'overdoing it'".
Mr. Sensible? - "I'll have to count the flower as an added expense..."


So what are the findings? First of all, Mr. Sensible is very obviously a big whinging party-pooper, and should shove his sensibility where the sun don't shine. Silliness is what makes life truly worth living, and silliness seems to go hand in hand with retro. As much as I hate cars like the New Beetle, I appreciate that the person who buys has a strong infatuation for its iconic retro design, and it certainly is a wonderful if someone can be as silly as to use a Beetle as their mode of transport, and love it. Buy a car and love it - a car should also give you a secret s ense of pleasure and circumstance. As I alluded to earlier, a car should make you feel special. With the exceptions of the Jaguar and the Chrysler, all these cars will flatter you endlessly, providing they suit your tastes. Choose wisely - make sure that what you share with your car-to-be is love, and not a petty crush, because you could quite easily "tire" of these cars. It is also a very expensive excercise, which ever way you look at it.

But feeling truly special is close to priceless.

FEATURE STORY: How to do "Retro" tastefully